♥ Queen of all Grumpy Old Farts ♥

About the GrumpyQueen

A.K.A Gatekeeper

I love food, don't deprive me of it.

I'm not Princess, I'm Queen

I can be quite grumpy and when I am, I hide here, my dungeon for reflections, ramblings and ranting.

Whatever I write are opinions, and may not be the whole truth. Do not read it like the Gospel.

I hate as vehemently as I love
I already know I'm crazy, be my friend, it's safer

Different is not bad, just not the same as the rest

If you don't like me, it's probably mutual
But I'm nice, really :p

Blog started 21st June 2007, shifted from www.thegatekeeperstory.blogspot.com

If you wanna be linked, just tag ok?

Favourite posts

Friends

Credits

Speak To Me

Please use my haloscan to comment on specific posts by clicking on the
"Speak your mind"
link at the end of each post.

For misc/random comments just tag on the latest post.

I'm just too sick and tired of a tagboard with a short term memory.

Thanks! :)

History

December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
May 2010
June 2010
September 2010
October 2010

Yahooo!

I must be nuts. At first, I was really angry with that mad bird. Now that I look back and try analyse it in a logical manner, I'm a little appeased. Since when is Sam so level headed?

I'm not angry at the second attempt anymore. I suppose very few would know the real reason behind it.

30.7.07 9:09 PM

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Severe lack of sleep

I need sleep. Sleeping is good for me. Takes a long time before I feel I'm actually sleeping.

I realised the importance of a good night's rest now. A sleepy person is a moody one. I'm gonna make it my mission to ensure I get a good night's rest and wake up refreshed every morning. If I succeed, I'd write a book titled "101 ways to ensure you get a good sleep every night" It's be available at all major bookstores.

PS: I was kidding about the stupid book. If I had the time to write a book, I might as well use it for sleeping and eating good food.

29.7.07 10:40 PM

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If only.

If you had one chance to tell anyone anything, what would you say?
If you could have one wish, what will it be?

I realised that my answer to both questions would be similar. I also realised that if I could live my life all over again, I would never change anything. I would laugh at the same things, cry at the same things, make the same stupid and painful decisions. I wanna make the same friends, love them in the same way, quarrel with them over the same stupid things.

Being mildly depressed is sometimes good. You tend to re-evaluate your life and spend time reflecting on your actions.

~wanders off emo-ing again~

12:42 AM

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Writing at 2 am in the morning

This was supposed to be written after I'd composed my poem. But when I was done with it, I had to coax myself to sleep. I don't wanna force myself to stay awake for no good reason.

I'm such an owl these days. I wrote the poem from 10 p.m. till 2 plus in the morning. I don't even know why I wrote it, I just felt like it. Now that I'm re-reading it, it does not seem that fantastic after all, not a true representation of how I feel within. I had to cut off morbid parts.

Xue wrote that she cannot post too depressing entries, she doesn't want to make her friends worry. I told her to write what she likes, it's her blog. Now I know, to explain yourslf requires energy, to convince people that despite all that happened, you're fine requires more energy. To worry that you're affecting your already emo/depressed friends requires the most energy. If they become more emo then they already are, it's my bloody fault and I'd feel bad. So I'll need to comfort them which is probably harder than making your way to the moon.

28.7.07 4:56 PM

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The Senseless mess
Dedicated to the ones who make my life slightly easier to bear
It's easy to be bold when you're powerful
It's easy to be generous when you're rich
It's easy to be funny when you're happy

Confidence hides the insecurity within
Boasting to stamp out our fears
Laughter used to hide the tears
Incessant rambling fill the awkward pauses
Independence used to hide dependence
Arrogance, just another way of burying your shame
Intelligent comments just a false front, another game
The glaring city lights for the lonely folks
Loud music fill our empty souls
Pointless debates speaks volumes of an empty mind
Celebrating evil, snuffing out the kind
Promiscuity worn like a badge of honour
Jealous, ugly prudes and their look of horror
Stupid hypocrites and their fake morals
People whizzing past you
Everything's happening at the same time
The insane one thinks they're sane
The sane thinks they're insane
The insane thinks the sane's insane
The fool thinks he's smart
The boaster says he's smart
The boaster does and blows his horn
The fool wonders what's going on
But no one knows for sure
For everything's just a hazy blur
~GrumpyQueen~

27.7.07 10:42 PM

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Cold day

Kinda of cold today. Had a terrible night, was tossing and turning, eyes wide awake. Then the next thing I knew, I heard my alarm screaming away. It felt as if I'd only slept for 5 mins.

It was set 30 mins earlier so that I can go to school and get some things done. Kept hitting the snooze button and only woke up 45 mins later. Darling told me she won't be attending the first lecture, didn't help that I was contemplating the same thing because my bed seemed more attractive than the toilet. Thankfully, I did 'cos they gave exam tips. :)

Do you think someone can become crazy doing the same thing from 1130 to 1330? As I clicked, I sighed. Deep inside, I really cursed the system. I hate myself for doing last min work. I'm kicking myself for saying, "I'll start earlier the next semester." Guess what? It's the last semester and I don't have to do it anymore. No chance to make empty promises to myself. Saddens me a little.

26.7.07 9:01 PM

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Information overload

It's been a long time since I read the papers or surfed friendster profiles.
Why do I feel that I won't get a good night's sleep tonight?

INFORMATION OVERLOAD! Don't tell me what you think I'd like to know. Don't tell me what you want to tell me. Don't tell me what I already know. Don't tell me what others want you to tell me. Don't tell me what you know I don't wanna know.

Tell me what I need to know and only that!

From a friendster profile:

In life, people tend to wait for good things to come to them. And by waiting, they miss out. Usually, what you wish for doesn't fall in your lap; it falls somewhere nearby, and you have to recognize it, stand up, and put in the time and work it takes to get to it.This isn't because the universe is cruel. It's because the universe is smart. It has its own cat-string theory and knows we don't appreciate things that fall into our laps.

25.7.07 9:39 PM

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I feel so wronged

A mad chicken plucked out from the market and thrown into my path. The hair of Einstein, the demeanour of a bird. If you have seen her, you'll know what I mean. How memorable, what an honour I have. I mean, what are the chances she gets thrown into my path twice...

Lol. As this is quite a sensitive issue, I should not go on, but if it'll kill you not to know, ask me in person.

I hope it'll be alright. I need to get through this, come out of it alive to sit for exams!!!

I don't mean to insult Einstein and birds for I think he was the greatest scientist that walked the face of this earth and birds are probably one of the cutest creatures in the world. But I couldn't find any better description...

5:08 PM

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Everything is great!

Yea, everything is great. My life is FANTASTIC! What a lovely way to end your last clinical practical? At an inauspicious hour with the teacher you hate most?

24.7.07 8:37 PM

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Comments section up!

Finally managed to put in a comments box at the end of every post! This is prob my 3rd or 4th time attempting to put up a comments box, I've succeeded finally. Now I've got everything I ever wanted on my blog. A skin I love, a url I like, a pic of me and not forgetting my comments section.

I'm so concerned about my blog cos it'll probably be my only outlet when human beings fail you. Ultimately, there will still be people listening to you, when they're done with their own problems and when they're feeling nice. So people might not be there when you really need them but when they want to be be. Can't really blame them but what do I do when I need an outlet NOW? I let it out on my blog for people to read when they feel like it. :) Isn't that like the best for everyone?

I watched The Vacency, it's nothing to shout about though...

22.7.07 7:50 PM

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My exciting day

The thing you see hanging from the ceiling are shower heads for washing of contaminants in a mass causualty incident.
Woke up at 7, was there at 0750hrs. Left at 1500 hrs. Rained at about lunch time, had to go under the rain for a while.
LOOKS cool right?
150th poat! Woohoo!

Update at 1905 hrs: The MIA girl has been found...lol

21.7.07 6:38 PM

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Happier-To do list

My To-do List for July

~~Last clinical theory test~~ 18/7
~~Became Godma~~ 16/7
~~Stopped being so depressed~~ 16/7
Last clinical practical test
My last ICA
July Youth Mass

I'm a SURVIVOR!!!

18.7.07 10:52 PM

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We cleared it up

I'm glad it's all over and things will go back to normal. I'm leaving that rude blog post on because it was part of me, not because I bear a grudge. :)

As for what I've learnt, it's never to let frustrations towards anyone build up.

Friendships are never perfect, never meant to be anyway. The way I see things is this, family and friends should be brutally honest with each other. Know that sometimes, people are blunt but deep down they care. :)

I shouldn't be overly critical of someone too, give people a little breathing space sometimes.

Oh yea, lil Victoria was baptised today, which means I'm Godma.

That said, I still feel exhausted. I need to recover soon, bounce back and return back to normal.

I hope the girl who's MIA show up soon, if you're reading this

and know I'm talking about you, let me know you're still alive

and kicking! Tag, call or msn me, whatever pleases you!

16.7.07 8:40 PM

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Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th--A lucky day for me. I was late for lecture and was praying hard that the lecturer would forget to clock in. When lecturers do not clock in, everyone's marked present.

It must be my luckiest friday the 13th...

14.7.07 10:41 PM

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Another theory

If one day, we wake up feeling pathetic and shitty, what should we do?

1) Wear something frumpy, don't comb hair, no make-up, go to school, show our moody face, look pathetic and when someone asks "what's wrong" we can reply in our most pathetic voice "nothing..."

2) Cry all we want, then wash up, apply makeup to hide the swollen eyes, make sure hair looks good. Go to school and when you meet someone you know, look happy, laugh and joke like anything. Pretend it's your birthday. Believe it's the best day of your life.

A lot may say option 2 requires the most effort but I think it's the quickest way to recover from all the crap feelings. My logic is this, if you look sad and pathetic, people respond to you like how they would respond to sad and pathetic people. Then you'll really believe you're a sad and pathetic soul and would continue doing so for the rest of the day. As they say, birds of the same feather flock together, pathetic people attract other pathetic people. When all the pathetic people gather, guess what they do? Tell their own pathetic tales and make others feel MORE pathetic.

Smile and the world will smile back.

13.7.07 11:34 PM

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I feel terrible

Just as I hate not being understood, I love those who make me feel understood. Those who'll calm me when I'm in distress. Those who try their very best to understand. Those who make life slightly easier to bear. I love them all.

I feel weak, tired and unmotivated. I feel that there is just too much action around me, I can't keep up. Slow down everyone...

I'm tired, I really am.

12.7.07 8:55 PM

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I satisfied my craving

Durians. I satisfied my craving by having them today. No one but her knows how it's like to crave something so much you can taste it. To crave it so much we can skip lectures to satisfy our cravings.

I just wrote a testimonial for her. It reminded me that the term's coming to an end. I wish my time in school will not come to an end. I wish for it to go on forever...

I lost my temper today again. I don't need to win. I don't care if you've got a different viewpoint from me. I FUCKING HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE DON'T GET WHAT I MEAN AND THINK THEY DO!!! I don't shout to win, I shout when I'm trying to be understood.

The looks of confusion. Don't pretend to understand. I sense confusion more readily than other emotions. Don't assume you've understood. If you sense frustration, it's not because I've lost the argument, it's because I've not been understood. If I explicitly say that you've understood my point and you still sense frustration, it's because I don't agree with you and I'm frustrated because I feel you've shoving the point down my throat. Back off.

No one loses an argument because no one can be faulted for an opinion. An opinion is never wrong, just different from the rest. Therefore, there is no need for me to win because it's not the court of law. I don't want/need to win because I've never lost and I'll never win anyway...

I just want/need to be heard and understood.

If the person involved needs details, just ask me. I fight with my friends but I still love them.

11.7.07 7:27 PM

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She smells like fries

My lil cousin/goddaughter is drinking a type of milk that makes her smell like fries. Either that or she's been eating fries secretly in the middle of the night.

I think I still smell her. I think it's terrible to feed a baby milk that smells like fries. Babies need to smell like babies--of milk and wet-wipes.

9.7.07 11:12 PM

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Had little effect on me

Looks like 777 Rally's effect lasted less than 24 hours...

- I quarrelled with mum
- I lied because I was feeling lazy
- I turned a guy selling watches at my door away. The fact that he is suffering or claims he suffers from macular dystrophy makes it worse.
- I felt better when I saw his pissed off face. How I found an excuse to make myself feel better disgusts me.

What is wrong with me?

I managed to take my mind off things for a while yesterday, just jumped and had fun. Today, it feels as if everything's just washed away. The relief it brought me, the remorse I felt, the determination to make things right, ALL GONE! Everything's gone after a good night's sleep.

8.7.07 9:51 PM

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2/3 of God's name is GO

Archdiocesan Youth Day Rally was unexpectedly fun. I jumped like I've never jumped before, went nuts basically. It was not the jumping that I enjoyed, it was the nun's talk that I liked. I can't even remember her name but I'll never forget her speech. She had no script, basically she just stood there and talked about her brokeness.

She went up and started her speech with her prayer. At first, I thought she was speaking in some foreign language until I heard "so that I only say what you want me to..."

"Oh...so it's in English. What a waste of time, I don't even understand her, how to benefit from her speech? Why did they ask her to give a speech when most people can't understand anyway?" I thought to myself.

I decided to listen hard for 2 minutes anyway. There were no big words used. Her voice trembled at some parts and I saw tears welling up in her eyes. Before I knew it, I was listening to her talk about her broken life. Her accent didn't matter anymore.

She was not there to preech about the great truths of life. Neither was she interested in telling us how perfect her life is because she trusts in God. None of it. She spoke about how much she hated him. She was broken because of her parents, not because she didn't trust in God. I was half expecting her to say something like, "blah blah blah event happened and I started going for mass daily." None of it. She attended mass because she wanted a pretty medal. After she got it, she told Mary she's not going for mass anymore.

I cried not only because I felt her brokeness but out of admiration for someone who can stand there and talk about their brokeness and hatred for God in front of 3000 people. To talk about our broken lives in front of our loved ones and friends is sometimes too much for us, what's more 3000 strangers who're all judging you?

Broken people can talk to broken people. I get so sick and tired about people telling me that God is good, that he'll heal your broken life and so on... He will heal, but when? What happens if I hate him, do you think God helps people who hates him? Do I get the worst lot in life because I hate him? Are we allowed to hate him? Should we tell others that we hate him or keep it hidden?

I felt the real miracle in her life was not how God helped her but that he helped her despite her hatred for him.

She didn't say it, but I felt her real message was...

"Don't be afraid if you hate God, if you have the worst parents or have the worst lot in life. I had all 3 and I'm still alive."

That said, pictures!!!

Before it all began...
My facil lanyard with the light stick...kinda of random, I know

Nicole and me...

Nats and me...

The band and the black shadows are people singing/jumping...

Jonah and the fish story, this is the fish and people bouncing it in the air...

We also want to bounce the fish but it only stayed in front! All we had were giant balls!

We shouted "we want fish!" repeatedly and some kind soul passed it to the back. The closest it could get to us...

UPDATE: I found out the nun's name is Sr. Magaret from HK

7.7.07 11:59 PM

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Yvonne and me

A coincidental meeting on the MRT. It's funny how you can't seem to arrange a proper outing with each other and rely on conincidences to catch up. It's funny how many times we've met coincidentally, at least 3 times if I'm not wrong. :p

6.7.07 11:44 PM

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Responsibility

Dont give me more responsibility then I can handle.
Don't give me a hat too big for my head.
Don't make me bite off more than I can chew

I'm only human

5.7.07 9:09 PM

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My cousin aka goddaughter

8:40 PM

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Happy occasion

A happier post finally. My lil cousin was born this morning. She's so cute I tell ya, pics when I finally have the mood for them.

The people around me will know the full story. The tears of joy and apprehension.

4.7.07 10:54 PM

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I was baptised today!

19 years ago, I was just a little baby and along with many other lil babies, I was baptised!

Why the sudden interest in it? Last year, when I realised, I tried telling people about it. Either they were not too interested or did not realise the significance of baptism. To me, it's like another birthday. This year, well I only just realised...

If anyone's interested in the other significant days of my Catholic life...

25th Apr: Confirmation

12th Oct: First holy communion

3.7.07 10:55 PM

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I'm learning to shut up

I need to learn to shut up and give opinions only when asked. I seem to enjoy giving my opinions so much I neglect the fact that people have feelings and may not like whatever I'm saying.

Other people have opinions and feelings too.

I need to repeat this to myself until I get it through my thick skull...

One may have good intentions but we need to realise that people need to make their own mistakes and learn from them.

So for now, the best thing for me is to give my opinion only when asked for one.

I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker. Acting according to instincts, doing whatever feels right. Trust me, I only have 1/2 a brain, you expect me to use it in a pressure cooker? Do you think it'll even work?

2.7.07 11:58 PM

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Miracles?

Why did I let myself believe
Miracles could happen
Cause now I have to pretend
That I don't really care

Miracles...Destiny is in our hands, I suppose when pushed to a corner, you've got no choice but to pray for a miracle to happen. I'm starting to not believe that we hold our own destiny in our hands. Our paths cross with many others, these other people with their own destinies. Even if we manage to control our own, surely these other people's destinies will influence us?

Cause I liked the view
Oohhh...Ohhh..I thought you felt it too
When there was me and you

I suppose we only believe that we hold our destiny in our own hands when we like the view...

1.7.07 6:52 PM

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