And ok, now I'm mad 'cos I just remembered something...
SO friggin mad with Starhub!
For 2 days I couldn't go online. The first day, I let it go 'cos I had to sleep early anyway. The second day I wanted to announce on my blog that it's my second last day and I couldn't go online! I called Starhub, pressed 101 numbers before I got my chance to wait 10 minutes to talk to a human being!
And so finally, I heard a human beings voice, she ran a check, told me that my area's internet connection is facing problems because some stupid wire got cut somewhere. Ok fine, so when will it be repaired? She doesn't know. Fine.
The best part? The entire conversation with this human being lasted less than 3 minutes. I felt like I was being granted a royal audience.
I vowed under my breath to make their life hell if it doesn't get repaired today. Hahaha! Finally, I can come online!
I really think I'm addicted to the comp. I almost go into depression when I'm deprived of it. ANd it's gonna get worse cos...
I'M ON HOLIDAY!
End of student life. After this long hol I'm gonna slog like a dog. Wish me luck in my career people!
Hi little fellas, I've run out of things to rant about. So I've decided to challenge my own beliefs, to ask questions about my own God, the God I've loved and trusted for 19 years.
Yesterday, while waiting to enter slumberland, I suddenly remembered the show, Bruce Almighty. (or was it Evan Almighty? never mind...) I remembered God telling him that whatever he does as God, he cannot mess with free will.
Is there such a thing as free will?
If a parent loves his/her child, would they allow them to stand in the middle of an expressway just because the child WANTS to do it?
Why does God allow people to go to hell? Why can't he prevent them from going to hell by taking away free will?
See, smart people with at least half a brain can have free will. Granted, they'll slip up here and there but they won't make major mistakes. But dumb people? If you let them have free will, they'll just give in to their animal instincts and screw up other people's lives.
Ok fine, maybe God really loves us and wants us to learn how to make choices or for whatever reason he gave us free will. So he has to be a fair and loving God and give EVERYONE free will, smart or dumb right?
What about the free will of the people whose lives are screwed up by dumb people?
For example, a rapist out of his own free will decides to rape a girl. What happens to the girl's free will? Did she ask to be raped? Why didn't God protect her free will?
If you're gonna tell me some crap about Adam and Eve and that stupid apple, then I'm gonna say, what has Adam and Eve's choice got to do with mine? Like how can you say just because your parents agreed with whatever decision your grandparents made means you're gonna agree too?
Why can't I have the free will to decide that I don't want free will?
Why can't God tell me what he wants? If I make a wrong move, I'm just gonna waste everyone's time. For what? Just tell me straight la!
No one can answer me, no one can tell me what's best because the answer lies in my own heart.
And the problem is, I can't hear my heart anymore, only my logical brain analysing away.
If I felt more and thought less, perhaps things would not have come to this.
If I thought more and felt less, it'd be easier for me to decide. I might hurt, but not as much...
So heartache, I spent so much money on driving le. And still she's sponsoring me. I'm really an idiot in driving la. I think I will just drive and get someone to park my car for me. 'Cos I'm really an idiot in the circuit!
I'm ok on the roads though.
Sometimes, I think I should be the chief tester. I should decide the stupid rules. I think more emphasis should be placed on the roads, since majority of our driving lives are spent on the roads and not in some theme park. (circuit) Such a small place put so many stop signs, yellow boxes and kerb for what?
Hiyah! But what to do? Shut up and take until I pass lor.
You know it's friggin irritating when people wish you, "Happy (insert name of a random indian festival)!" so enthusiatically thinking you'll be so excited they remembered. Thing is, indian festivals don't mean a bloody thing to me. Chances are, you're gonna get a "huh?" from me.
For goodness sake! Get this concept right!
When someone is mixed, they celebrate whatever their mother tells them to. You know like when you breed dogs, they DO NOT inherit ALL the characteristics of their doggy parents.
If you make 2 different breeds of dogs reproduce and assuming the male dog has genes that make him lose fur easily while the female dog has genes that make her NOT lose fur easily, do you think the puppies lose fur easily on Mon, Wed and Fri and then not lose fur easily for the rest of the week? NO RIGHT? They have to decide if they wanna lose fur easily or not lose fur easily right?
Same for me. I can't possibly be Hindu one week and Catholic the other week and Buddhist the week after right?
I'm Indian because my paternal granddad is one. I don't really like Indian food, especially funny tasting ones with strange names. I do not speak Tamil or any other funny Indian languages and so stop testing my Tamil or what-not. I'll just give you the are-you-an-idiot look. I do not celebrate any Indian festivals because I'm a Catholic. Indian people CAN belong to religions other then Hinduism or Buddhism because we're a race, not a religion. So stop looking at me like I'm bluffing you when I tell ya I'm Catholic, cos I'm not bluffing.
Yes, I'm fair like a chinese 'cos my mom is one. And it's not my fault I look chinese with a long name. And if you have to categorise me into any race, Chinese is the safest one. And believe me, I'm so cheena I sometimes forget I'm not Chinese. When people meet me for the first time and ask me if I'm chinese, I almost blurt out yes every time. I'm not ashamed of my original race, it's just that I'm socialised like any Chinese, catholic girl I forget my other races.
And lastly, I'm Catholic 'cos my paternal grandma's Eurasian and almost all of them are Christians/Catholic.
Seriously, if you don't get it, don't try and act smart and wish me some random thing. Just shut up and wait till I wish you. Or just ask if I'm celebrating it.
I'm not angry with people who get it wrong. I'll just give you the are-you-nuts look. Wanna know how it looks like? Walk up to a Chinese and wish them Happy Deepavali la!
2 weeks and 1 day more...I'm gonna make it out alive!
And you know what I found out? That most of the new staff nurses did their PRCP(posting that I'm doing now) in this ward!
The best part? All the friendly dolphins are leaving, one by one. What's gonna happen to me if they post me back to hell?
Everything's a mess for me right now. Everywhere I turn, I seem to find another reason to become more depressed. Nothing can bring me much joy now. For the sake of my sanity, please let me go, DON'T POST ME TO THAT SHIT HOUSE!!!
Oh yea, today the HR people came to my ward, walked right up to me and asked if I'm sponsored, as if it was written all over my face. My heart froze for a moment because...
1) I thought they were gonna tell me I failed my posting and have to repeat, what are the implications blah blah blah...
2) We were having an audit today where all the big shots come down and ask everyone about everything to make sure we know what we're doing. Students are not involved though but I thought she was gonna test me or something just cos I'm sponsored.
But I'm more frightened it was the first reason. Thankfully, she's just asking us to get our uniforms fitted.
I'm really paranoid la.
I used to like random blog surfing. Just go to friends' blogs and find other people's blogs to read. I find it interesting, esp if the blogger doesn't just blog about every single damn detail in their life but inject some thoughts and humour into the blog.
Now, I'm not so sure. I read some entries from someone's blog that disturbed me a bit. I don't know what to make of it. All I know is that "things aren't always what it seems." Sometimes, the truth is far from what you think it is.
Maybe my interpretation is far from the truth...oh well.
Btw, I found the Music of the night. Thanks to Max! Thanks a lot! :)
My mother called my blog a xiao zhar bo blog, constantly talking about things I don't like, who offended me blah blah blah...
But blogs are used for rants right?
Ok, so today I should blog about what I like. There's this channel 8 show on Sat and Sun evenings which Xie Shaoguang acted in right? In it, I like the song, "Music of the night."
Can someone tell the deranged queen where to get this song 'cos it's one of the few songs that can actually stop my madness and listen.
When I first heard the song, I didn't even know it was from the Phantom of the Opera. All I knew was that I liked the rhythm, the way the singer sang it. There was this sense of familarity about the song. I watch the show faithfully every weekend hoping to hear the song every now and then. Hahahaha God must have been touched by my faithfulness! Today, when they played the song again, I suddenly felt that the song must be called "Music of the night."
Have you felt that way? An inexplainable bond to someone or something. You just don't know why but you know your paths will cross again. It's like getting tangled in a web, you can't get out, neither do you feel like getting out. Ok, this is starting to sound quite mad.
And now I'm gonna start to sound grumpy again.
Recently there's this new thing in South Korea that enables someone to "die" once. They stage a fake funeral and have people draft wills as if they have only 3 days to live then read it out. Many would wail like a baby, shows that they've got many regrets in life. Hopefully, after being "reborn", people would mend their ways and start afresh.
Lame shit.
A real death is irreversible and you'd probably not know when you're gonna die anyway. You won't know the exact hour or second, you might know you've got limited time but not know exactly how much.
Staging a death and dying for real is just totally different but yea, good attempt. I hope those people treasure the experience and make long term changes to their lives.
Emo time.
When I first saw a death, it was natural one, meaning the patient died of old age. I remember repeating to myself that I don't wanna live so long. I tried imagining what it'd be like for me when it's my turn to die. Would people care?
Now I'm watching a 24 year old dying of cancer, his son is but a toddler. I remember him asking me the date on that day. He must have been thinking, "is it gonna be today or will I get to see the next sunrise?"
It must be scary, to watch your friends coming to visit after work while you lie on the hospital bed, waiting to die.
The other day we were trying to read fortunes. My friend was looking at my life line and said the first 21 years of my life were bold, probably means I'd be healthy or whatever. The next 21 years he said were ok but...the last 21 years were quite faint.
Indicates a lack of energy later in life or whatever. Who needs so much energy so late in life anyway. I think I'm quite funny, I don't believe that a few lines and bumps can influence my life but yet I wanna know what the lines and bumps on my hands mean.
Leaving all of you with another of my fave song...
I'm so gonna get the wedding album even though I'm not getting married any time soon.
Why make someone's life harder when you CAN make it easier for her without much effort?
This ward is hell. If I have to work there after graduation, I don't think I'll even survive to serve my 2 year bond. In other wards, it's just one or two difficult staff and you can pray and hope that they disappear or something but here it's like the majority of them are horrible. The good ones are leaving and the bad ones just won't budge. Good also la, stay there and do not contaminate other wards with your evil presence.
Today I met another mad man with a hormonal imbalance. Heh, I didn't know men had PMS too!
It all happened 'cos the bus driver thought he didn't pay enough fare. They started quarelling and at last the bus driver realised it was his mistake and apologised. Because of the quarrel, the bus had to stop 'cos the driver couldn't concentrate with this mad man barking away, looking like he's gonna kill somebody.
Some workers were rushing off to work and one of them was like "don't fight, don't fight, never mind I pay for you." The PMS man refused, probably said it's a matter of principle and all that crap. In the end, the mediator gave up and went back to his seat.
That was not all, during the quarrel the PMS guy was quite normal, it was AFTER that that he showed his mad side. To cut a long story short, when the quarrel was finally settled and the PMS guy was appeased and stopped shouting, the bus driver moved off. He barely moved 3 metres when the guy suddenly stood up and started yelling at the driver AGAIN.
"HUH! You new driver ar?! Tell you already, it's correct you just don't believe me!"
I don't know la, it prob gave the driver a shock and he jammed on the brakes. It nearly cost me my 2 front teeth ok!!! I nearly banged them on the seat in front of me.
That prob pissed the driver off, he glared at the guy and he guai guai took his seat behind the driver. Minutes later, he walked to the back of the bus and sat right down in front of me. Another few minutes later he walked back to his original seat. *confused look*
He happened to alight at the same stop as me and I followed behind him to observe him. True enough, when the bus drove past him, he showed his bloody short middle finger to the driver. Then, I SAW HIM MUMBLING TO HIMSELF, LOOKING QUITE ANGRY.
Mad enough or not?! Oh yea, I forgot to add, they were supposed to settle the quarrel once and for all at the interchange(the driver promised him that if he'd let the bus move on) but the PMS guy didn't even alight at the interchange. So, you yourself never make it to the interchange still wanna show middle finger!
Ah yea, another time I met another mad fella trying to get directions from me at CGH. It was quite early in the morning, around 6 plus. This guy went "EXCUSE ME" in a really loud and clear voice and that startled me. I had headphones on, half asleep and still could hear him. He was holding this appointment card and was looking for the place to do ultrasounds. I was like asking him if he knows which clinic to report to or which level is it on, so on and so forth but all he said was "don't know."
Don't know how to help him right? Barely nothing was written on the appt card, only the date and time. Then he did the most amazing thing. He just said, "never mind!" in an angry voice, like it's my fault he doesn't know where to go and walked off angrily. FINE!
I mean usually people will wait for you to say something like, "I'm not sure" or "maybe you can ask the security guard in front" before walking off right?
Did I mention that his demeanour resembled an IMH patient?
I'm not looking down on IMH patients or making fun of them. I'm saying that if we instituitionalise our mental patients too much, they will all turn out the same way after some time. One look and you'll go "IMH patient."
Is that what we really want? For them to live their lives with this label boldly printed across their faces?
Have we done enough for them? Are they living close to normal lives or just being hidden away from society? What the eyes don't see, the heart doesn't grieve over eh?
If you had a choice, and must wish one illness on yourself, what would it be? Diabetes or a mental illness?
Both are chronic illnesses, both require long term medications. But most, I believe will choose diabetes.
I've come to a stage when I'm sick of everything in my life. I'm sick of being me, sick of my name, sick of my job, sick of the fact that I've to eat, shit and piss, sick of being grumpy, sick of ranting, sick of my blog design, sick of answering those "so why are you a nurse?" questions. Well, you get the idea...
Hell, I'm even sick of being sick of everything.
I don't know why I can find fault with the holiest saint and the prettiest supermodel. Sometimes I can hate someone's attitude so much I feel like biting them to death. It feels like only after I've seen them covered with teeth marks and dead will I be appeased. And no, I'm not kidding on this one.
Enough. I'm barely into the new year and I already feel it's gonna suck.
The new year, if it goes on as planned will see many life changing moments for me. But all these exciting moments seem like a drag now, I'm in the "do I really have to do all this?" stage. YES YOU DUMB F***! DO IT! YOU DON'T HAVE A BLOODY CHOICE!
Please God, make it all ok...
You can't tell how beautiful the flowers will be by looking at the seeds.
Sometimes, by thinking things through too much, we're allowing ourselves to procrastinate and we may lose the most precious things in life thanks to procrastination.
7 plus in the morning, on a weekday. As expected the bus would be quite crowded.
And all these people stood in front, as if there were ghosts at the back of the bus. So there was this huge space at the back that could fit at least 2-3 people.
THAT'S NOT THE MOST SICKENING THING YET!
The most sickening thing was that when the bus came to a certain stop, it couldn't pick anyone up anymore because there was simply no space for anyone to come up since the front was all blocked. Still, the people tried to squeeze their way in. I mean, who wouldn't? Already late what to do right? So the bus driver just stopped at the bus stop for a good 3 minutes or so because he couldn't possibly drive off while people were trying to squeeze in right?
And you know what these silly fools did? They just stood there and looked stupidly at the people trying to squeeze up the bus with the you-can't-squeeze-up-your-problem look. THEY DON'T GIVE A SHIT!
And people, there were still some spaces here and there in the middle of the bus that people could filter in to make more space for people to board the bus in front. I didn't take those in the middle of the bus because that'll make it too obvious and I'm scared they'll whack me to death and destroy the evidence.
You know what I think is their logic? They're hoping that if people can't board, the bus driver will not stop at every stop and this will shorten their travelling time.
SELFISH BASTARDS!
Obviously that won't happen because the driver knows it's not full and he's still obliged to stop at every stop to show that he's "trying his best to pick everyone up." So not only will it NOT shorten travelling time, it'll even lengthen it. Why?! Because the bus driver has to open that bloody door and people will try to squeeze it so he can't shut it until people give up squeezing in and decide to wait for the next bus which will probably be as full as this. So yea, even if you had an IQ of 50, I'm sure you can tell that people trying to squeeze up a bus would take a longer time then people moving in smoothly right?
And why do I think my logic is right? Because I don't see this happening on MRTs. People try their best to make space because they know the MRT is gonna stop at every stop anyway and not moving in will just prolong travelling time.
Anyway, today I took a grand total of 45 mins(excluding waiting time) to get to my destination when it usually takes me about 30 minutes(including waiting time). I rest my case.
You know why I'm so friggin pissed even though I was sitting nicely on the seats in the bus?! Because I had to run to class on many occasions just because I had to take the next bus as some idiot just won't move in. Is it my fault I had to jog to class? NO! I sacrificed my sleep, got up early only to be late because of someone else's selfish act. I know how the people being left behind felt. At least for me, I try to make space unless the person beside me is some lao ti gou trying to molest me, then of course I won't wanna stand near him la.
Oh yea, maybe there was a ti gou ghost behind which is why they just won't move in. Oh, so there might be a slight chance that I misunderstood them because it was all that ti gou's fault.
Xue said she doesn't like docs very much. Oh, oh, oh, I COULD WRITE A NOVEL ON HOW IRRITATING THEY CAN BE. Maybe it's cos the majority are men? Shit, I might turn lesbian soon.
It's a sign I tell you, that I'm single at a ripe old age of 19, it's a sign that I should be lesbian.
Mainly 'cos after 2 months of nursing men, old men, young men, lame men, NS men, comatose men, good men, bad men, mad men I've come to realise something: THAT WHOEVER CREATED THIS "MEN SHOULD BE MACHO" SLOGAN SHOULD HAVE THEIR THROATS SLIT AND ALLOWED TO BLEED TO DEATH.
You know why or not?! Do you know why men die earlier then women? Because of this screwed up thinking la! They're afraid to express themselves when they're in pain, they wanna try to do things they CAN'T do and in the end, they hurt themselves and this worsens their condition.
85% of them are like that. The other 10% worry about some unimportant thing and ignore you when you try to tell them something important. They want things done their way, do not listen to nurses because the majority of us are women and when things go awfully wrong their give us the please-don't-let-us-die look. Then the small minority, God bless their souls, are the smart ones who comply with medications and what-nots and really become better.
You think we got nothing else better to do is it? Why would we wanna restrict your movement and create more work for ourselves? Or maybe they think their bodies are that of the hottest male porn star which is why we wanna shower them. Pui! Got so many free porn sites I don't know how to go wanna ogle at male patients in the shower meh?
Oh yea, I was supposed to talk about doctors right? Basically, sometimes they order the dumbest things and don't know that we're roaring with laughter behind their backs. I like it when their consultants fire questions at them. I like it so much I might wanna marry a consultant and give him ideas on how to torture his housemen to avenge his lovely wife. But like a brainy consultant would wanna marry a person as dumb as me and listen to me rant.
Are men born with this reflex action that they have to be superior to women at all times?! They just have to win, ya know. Male patients, doctors, fathers, driving instructors, husbands, boyfriends HAVE TO win at all times! Why can't they see that they're human and can make mistakes. Oh yea, make all the mistakes you want but not in front of a woman. Sometimes I get so sick of it I just don't bother to fight back, I just go "yea, yea" and shut up.
When I meet people like that, I make myself swear that my sons will not turn out like that. I highly doubt I'd have sons though, 'cos I'm turning lesbian remember? But if by some miracle I manage to produce a son, I'll want one that RESPECTS women, not WORSHIPS her.
A woman came from a man's rib, not from the skull to lord over him, not from the feet to be trampled on but from the rib. The left side, nearest to the heart.
Wanting to appear smart once in a while is cute but do it all the time and it becomes irritating, especially if the guy's not very smart.
Enough said about men. Next time I'm gonna rant about us women.
