♥ Queen of all Grumpy Old Farts ♥

About the GrumpyQueen

A.K.A Gatekeeper

I love food, don't deprive me of it.

I'm not Princess, I'm Queen

I can be quite grumpy and when I am, I hide here, my dungeon for reflections, ramblings and ranting.

Whatever I write are opinions, and may not be the whole truth. Do not read it like the Gospel.

I hate as vehemently as I love
I already know I'm crazy, be my friend, it's safer

Different is not bad, just not the same as the rest

If you don't like me, it's probably mutual
But I'm nice, really :p

Blog started 21st June 2007, shifted from www.thegatekeeperstory.blogspot.com

If you wanna be linked, just tag ok?

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Speak To Me

Please use my haloscan to comment on specific posts by clicking on the
"Speak your mind"
link at the end of each post.

For misc/random comments just tag on the latest post.

I'm just too sick and tired of a tagboard with a short term memory.

Thanks! :)

History

December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
May 2010
June 2010
September 2010
October 2010

Every single day we're thinking of filling their day with activities. My head hurts from the thinking. It's tiring cos I've to wake up at 4.45 am for my morning shift. Wtf, never woken up so early all my life except to catch a plane or to study for exams. We're going to do some vegetable printing thing tmr and today we had some origami thing going on.

Somehow, it's tiring but nice. You'll appreciate normal thoughts, and know what it's like to not know what's going on in the minds of the majority.

28.2.07 11:03 PM

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I'm in my favourite place now

I didn't think I'd have such a weird reaction. I thought I'd be looking forward to it but last night, I suddenly had this weird feeling in me. I felt I didn't want to go there anymore, I kept asking myself, maybe it's because I dont belong there, that's why I didn't get the sponsorship. Maybe this, maybe that. Then I felt my head hurt, my stomach ached and came up with all sorts of excuses why I shouldn't be going to work.

Today, I realised why I didn't get the sponsorship. It's not because I hate the place, it's because I'm not ready for it. There are so many things I've not seen, and viewed things from my own myopic point of view. But I really loved the place, all those apprehensive feelings disappeared the moment I saw the signboard.

They smiled at me. They were really friendly. I thought their toothless grins were some of the most beautiful smiles I've ever seen. Because they were so genuine. I didn't really get time to interact with them today, cos of orientation and all. Tomorrow I wanna make some new friends, talk to them and play with them.

But getting there is a bit of a hassle. Toodles.

26.2.07 8:40 PM

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I'm not a toy, I'm not a clown. I'm a human being. Human beings have feelings too, human beings feel down too, and when the going gets too tough, they cry out for help. Other human beings look at me and say things like "I ahh...sorry I gotta go 'cos someone else needs me more."

Ok fine, even if I'm a clown, clowns are human beings too you know? They were not born with painted faces and brightly coloured clothes. They were born wailing, naked and cold, just like you. The clothes, the painted faces were added on later. If they had a choice, do you think they want to paint their faces and wear ugly, brightly coloured clothes?

I'm so tired of putting people before me. Maybe it's because it's the right thing to do. If you put others before yourself, you're a good person blah blah blah. All I know is that it leaves me tired, drained out at the end of the day. I'm sick of thinking of how pitiful other people are, starving and cold in third world countries. Yes, they're starving and cold physically. I may have clothes to wear, tons of shoes and lots of food enough to clog my arteries with fats and kill me but I'm still cold.

I'm just so tired of hearing, "your life is not too bad you know, at least you have..." I wish I could just strangle whoever that's telling me that. Strangle the life out of that little pixie. Until the poor little creature turns from red to blue. Until I squeeze every ounce of air out of its limp body. Yes, other people have terrible fates too, in fact maybe more terrible then mine. But it doesn't mean the pain the feel is any lesser than mine. Don't you know something about tolerance level? For me, if my dog died and I lost $20 on the way home, that's terrible enough to drive me nuts. But for someone else, their whole family died, they lost $20 million in the stock market, they still can stand up and fight back. GET IT? Different people, different tolerance levels.

And look here, the things you said I have, maybe it's all a pretense. Maybe I beautified things, everything is beautiful because I wanted it to be so. Maybe in actual fact, everything is just shit. So maybe I don't have anything at all.

The only conclusion I got is, you can't fight for something that was never yours to start with. No matter how painful, you have to return whatever that doesn't belong to you.

25.2.07 3:41 PM

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Happy CNY!

I thought I posted my last entry, apparently not. I saved it as a draft and forgot to publish it. Happy CNY everyone!

Mine was ok. It's weird not having her around, hearing her yell and yell, not having her fishballs and cheng teng.

They were asking me why I chose CGH over some other dont-wanna-mention-name hospital. CGH=Cannot go home. So that's why they think it's no good. As far as I'm concerned, my grandma died in that "better" hospital. Tell me, if they're so good like my relatives believe, which is why they sent her there, why did she die? They cannot face the fact that when it's time for someone to die, they won't live even if you send them to the best hospital in the whole of the galaxy. If it's not time, even if all the hospitals turn into mushrooms, the doctors into rabbits and the nurses into mouses, the person will live. And if someone looks big and strong, does it mean that he's a good fighter? So shouldn't I choose a hospital that I'm familiar with, that's so near my home so the cab fees won't bankrupt me? Geez...

Anyway, the countdown thing said it's a good year for the Dragons. I suspect I'm not a true, blue dragon. 'cos these things don't really work on me. Like the times when they said I'd enjoy good fortune, I only got shit. The times when they said it's going to be a tough year ahead for me, I enjoyed a good year. Yesterday was a good way to prove my point. I played cards with my cousins. I was winning at first, then lost everything when I changed tables. *yawns* I suppose I never had gambling luck to start with...

19.2.07 5:48 PM

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A new skin!

Yay! A new skin, a new skin!

~Prances around the room~

Much as I loved the old picture on my old skin, cos I made the pic myself, I can't keep staring at a blogskin that wasn't designed properly. Also, it does not really suit my mood these days.

My tagboard is now a pop-up, so it won't spoil the skin. I tried enabling comments but it seems my skin doesn't allow comments. Oh well...

So hopefully, by choosing a skin in my favourite colour and most like me, I'd be able to find the old me.

17.2.07 4:58 PM

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I'm back with my nonsense

The stupid Gatekeeper's back with her nonsense. C'mon everyone, ask me how's V day for me please? Ok never mind, even if you all don't wanna know I wanna write about it.

It was rather...interesting. I lost TWELVE friggin marks ok for my paper ok? TWELVE MARKS!!! No, it's not because I don't know how to do it, it's cos I was over enthusiastic, wrote so much, thought too much for the stupid MCQs that I didn't have time to finish the paper. MCQs were difficult, like really difficult. I read 1 question 3 times before I knew what they were talking about. Yea, for a moment I thought I was in some french class cos I didn't understand what I was reading. And when they said "pens down" the stupid idiot had the cheek to wish us a happy Valentine's day. Aiyah, shut up la, no one wants to celebrate valentine's day when there's a meanie in the same room! But maybe, a miracle might happen, I might score 48/60 and do well enough for my MCQ to secure a pass.

Oh well, I counted my marks today. I think I'm gonna get a 55/100 for the paper today. The others are just guess work.

*yawns I'm really so tired I'm starting to hallucinate but I don't really feel the pressure. I somehow feel that it'll work out, it'll be fine and I'm not studying as hard as I should be. I ate like only 1 meal a day for the past 3 days. I'm not on some crash diet or what shit thing. I just can't seem to feel hunger. And after the paper today, I was feeling so hungry I was just eating and eating. Now, while I'm typing away I'm still starving. Will someone get me some food?

16.2.07 11:44 PM

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It's all a sick game

Sometimes, we need someone more than the other person needs us. It will create a kind of power imbalance. Sometimes, we give people the power to crush us, we have no doubt in their ability to do so, yet we trust that they won't do it. Now, I'm starting to think it's all foolishness, a sick game. We should trust no one but ourselves, actually.

We're only disappointed because we have expectations. We have expect people to be there when we're down, expect them to treat us nicely, expect and expect. What happens when people can't meet these expectations? What should we do? What CAN we do anyway?

I don't expect to be the most important, but neither do I want to fade into obscurity. Whatever it is, I'm human, not an object you can toss around. I feel I deserve some attention, not neglect. I feel I shouldn't be taken for granted. I won't always be there, I can't anyway. Maybe one day, when it gets too tiring, I'd give up and go back to being my autistic self. One that doesn't give a shit. One that you can't drop dead in front of her and she won't bat an eyelid. That is, if I can, because once you've genuinely cared, you can't really take back all your love and concern.

11.2.07 10:53 PM

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A lame joke

Why can't 2 elephants go swimming together? Because they only have a pair of trunks between them. ~tries hard to laugh~

I was in the MRT the other day, 3 school girls were sharing the joke. I guess it's like a "cold joke session". I looked over to my friend, the both of us started smiling. The one thing I like about this girl is, she seems to be able to read what's on my mind. She seems to be able to detect when I'm going to blow up in someone's face. And I like the way she smiles when in an awkward position. I like the look she has when she has something to say but can't.

The challenge in love is not igniting the flame, but in keeping the flame burning through the darkest times...
You Have a Choleric Temperament
You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.
Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.
You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation.

You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.
Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.
You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others.

At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.
Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.
A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

What Temperment Are You?

10.2.07 8:22 PM

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My class party!

Happy birthday Grandpa! ~Growls~ I hope the pics get uploaded PROPERLY this time. Had our class party thingy today. It's crazy man, 1 week before exams and we're partying away. Why? 'cos we need to claim the stupid funds thing by end of semester. That's why! Our mentor seems enthusiastic about it. I think this will be the first and last time, we, the crack pot leader and asst. plan this. We're quiting next semester!

Just some of the more interesting pics taken. Our food and before the party started. I forgot to take the end of the party but never mind! Oh yea, the girl in green is the treasurer, the only normal one in the class com. I don't have another pic of her and her head got chopped off by the camera. The guy in green is someone weirdly cute. He was asking about the chicken pox vaccination thing when we're about to start the party. I was looking for a piece of pizza when he asked me about it. At that instant, I just went blank, trying to figure out if pizza will cause chicken pox. :p

Our ex-com. They helped us with the arranging of presents, 'cos we had the gift exchange thing and the presents need to be numbered. Now affectionately known as the gift arranging committee.

The guy giving out presents is our dear mentor. He didn't get
the presents la, everyone brought a present for gift exchange
and he gave it out. Here, you see the crackpot leader and her
joker asst receiving their presents.

8.2.07 8:55 PM

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I was bored...

The True You
You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to be more open with you.

With respect to money, you are a bit stingy.

You think good luck might come your way, but if it does you'll be so surprised you'll burst out laughing.

The hidden side of your personality tends to be satisfied to care for things with a minimal amount of effort.

You are tend to think about others' feelings a lot, perhaps because you are so eager to be liked.

When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you don't have any particular type in mind, but you are inclined to look for someone who will say yes when you ask him / her out.
Who's" The True You?
The Keys to Your Heart
You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.
What Are The Keys To Your Heart?
Your Brain is 80% Female, 20% Male
Your brain leans female
You think with your heart, not your head
Sweet and considerate, you are a giver
But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!
What Gender Is Your Brain?
You Are a Sentimental Gift Giver
Your gifts are warm, caring, and very personal.
You know that it's the thought that counts...
And you definitely put the most thought behind your gifts.
What Kind of Gift Giver Are You?
Your Vocabulary Score: B
You have a zealous love for the English language, and many find your vocabulary edifying.
Don't fret that you didn't get every word right, your vocabulary can be easily ameliorated!
How's" Your Vocabulary?
You Are Likely an Only Child
At your darkest moments, you feel frustrated.
At work and school, you do best when you're organizing.
When you love someone, you tend to worry about them.

In friendship, you are emotional and sympathetic.
Your ideal careers are: radio announcer, finance, teaching, ministry, and management.
You will leave your mark on the world with organizational leadership, maybe as the author of self-help books.
The Birth Order Predictor
You Are 40% Abnormal
You are at medium risk for being a psychopath. It is somewhat likely that you have no soul.

You are at medium risk for having a borderline personality. It is somewhat likely that you are a chaotic mess.

You are at medium risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is somewhat likely that you are in love with your own reflection.

You are at low risk for having a social phobia. It is unlikely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement.

You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.
How Abnormal Are You?
You Are 45% Left Brained, 55% Right Brained
The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning.
Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others.
If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic.
Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet.

The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility.
Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way.
If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art.
Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.
Are You Right or Left Brained?
Your Five Variable Love Profile
Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is high.
You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person.
And in return, you expect the same from who you love.
Any sign of straying, and you'll end things.

Experience Level:

Your experience level is medium.
You probably have had a couple significant loves.
And you may have even had your heart broken.
But you haven't really dated a wide variety of people.

Dominance:

Your dominance is low.
This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced.
You know a relationship is not about getting your way.
And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom.

Cynicism:

Your cynicism is medium.
You'd like to believe in true and everlasting love...
But you've definitely been burned enough to know better.
You're still an optimist, but you also are a realist.

Independence:

Your independence is high.
You don't need to be in love, and sometimes you don't even want love.
Having your own life is very important for you...
Even more important than having a relationship.
The Five Variable Love Test
Your Values Profile
Loyalty:

You value loyalty a fair amount.
You're loyal to your friends... to a point.
But if they cross you, you will reconsider your loyalties.
Staying true to others is important to you, but you also stay true to yourself.

Honesty:

You don't really value honesty.
You do value getting your way, no matter what.
And if a little lying is required to do that, no problem.
A few white lies never hurt anyone (at least, that's what you tell yourself!)

Generosity:

You value generosity a fair amount.
You are all about giving, as long as there's some give and take.
Supportive and kind, you don't mind helping out a friend in need.
But you know when you've given too much. You have no problem saying "no"!

Humility:

You don't really value humility.
You don't have much to be humble about!
And you might as well promote yourself, because no one else will.
You're a pretty special person, and you let everyone know it.

Tolerance:

You value tolerance highly.
Not only do you enjoy the company of those very different from you...
You do all that you can to seek it out interesting and unique friends.
You think there are many truths in life, and you're open to many of them.
The Five Factor Values Test
You Are A Romantic Realist
You tend to be grounded when it comes to romance.
Sure, you can fall hard... but only for someone you've gotten to know.
And once you're in love, you can be a total romantic goofball...
But you'd never admit it to your friends!
Are You Romantic or Realistic?

7.2.07 5:10 PM

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BORING!

7 days more to V day. Which means I should buck up 'cos I've got a paper on that day. I'm kinda of bitter, why am I doing a stupid paper while others are out having fun? And after I'm done, I still have to go home to prepare for the next paper. I wanna go out, look at all the couples happy together.

11:59 AM

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~Waits~

As of now, no one reminded me that it's her anniversary today. No one, it better stay that way. Was 2 mins late for ICA. I learnt 2 lessons.
1. Go to the driver and threaten to shoot him if he can't figure out how to work the train doors and make the train move FAST.
2. No, my school it's not a 5 min walk from the MRT station like what the brochures say. Even if you're running all the way, you need about 6 mins to enter the school.

I think there's a lot of problem with the MRT these days. I don't understand why they're increasing the fares but making so many blunders. The train can be stuck at some station for 5 mins, doors opening and closing and refusing to move, trains travelling at snail's pace. Please, get your acts together, I don't have all the time in the world to sit there, waiting for the auspicious hour to start moving.

I don't expect them to speed up and get me there in time when I left home late. But neither do I expect them to screw up and get me there late when I left home on time. Everyone just do what they need to do and we'll all be fine.

6.2.07 5:28 PM

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Ouch

All I have today is "ouch". When I thought I'd forgotten what it's like to be in pain. It seems like it's one sensation we'll never forget.

5.2.07 11:07 PM

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I keep saying I'm busy, but somehow I manage to find time to blog. Well, we keep saying we're busy, hows that we have time to eat, shit and talk? Like talking, blogging's almost like an irreplacable part of me.

They think I'd forget. Even if you gave me a century, I'd never forget my own grandparents. I suppose I'd always remember how it all happened, their birthdays, their anniversaries and everything associated with them. I remembered what she told me. I got on with life shortly after their deaths, I don't choke up when talking about them but it doesn't mean that I've forgotten or have stopped mourning for them.

When others are nice to you, or were genuinely concerned about you, it's not so easy to cast that memory aside and get on with life soon after they're dead. Gratitude is something that should stay on for as long as memory lasts...

4.2.07 8:03 PM

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Don't start criticising my life now 'cos you're not part of it

It's always easy to love someone who loves you back, to be nice to someone who's nice to you. It's difficult to love someone and protect their dignity after they've hurt you. I did that today and am surprised by this ability.

I sometimes doubt the existance of true love. In this complicated age, can we still find someone who loves us truly? Who's not out to hurt us? All I see these days are people manipulating one another to make the other person love them more and so get the other person to do more things for them.

In a class where I least expect to learn something, I did and it's something valuable. We always do stuff for people and expect them to do the same. We love and expect love back. Thing is, if we do something for people, it's out of our own goodwill, they don't have to return the favour. If we love, we cannot expect them to love us back. If they reciprocate, well and good. We can go off and live happily ever after. If they don't, I suppose all we can do is wish them well.

That said, I suppose I should also write about a thought that popped into my head. Maybe someone belonging to the past should remain there. There were regrets, the "what-if" thoughts that popped into my head now and then. But it doesn't mean that I should go back and re-live my past, correct those mistakes. I'm not going backwards, I've got to move forward. I regretted, learnt from it and moved on, you should to.

Like I said, the way back in might not neccesarily be the way out in the opposite direction.

3.2.07 5:39 PM

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You know what?

I guess I'm a lil crazy. I seem to be all over the place now. I'm still coughing, like hell I tell you. I think I'm allergic to my school's LT. I cough so much during lectures I don't know what those lecturers are blabbering about. I cough until I can't decide if breathing is more important then coughing. Take those medications? Like it will help! It's supposed to be an allergy and I feel I've got at least two allergies--dust mites and the current soap I'm using. Soap I can change, but what am I supposed to do about dust? Live in a bubble? I cough most in places with carpets and smoke. I've never had this problem until now, I think my system's a bit too slow, took about 2 years to realise it didn't like the dust mites in the LT.

While I'm typing this I suddenly remembered I'm going to be slaughtered soon if I don't get down to work...NOW! Tata for now.

12:14 AM

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It's kinda of difficult for me now. Hold my hand and guide me through this maze 'cos I don't know where it's going to lead me to. They say the way out is quite the same as the way in, only in an opposite direction. Somehow, the way back in is never the same as the way out. I'm not even sure if you can come back in the same way you left.

1.2.07 8:21 PM

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