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About the GrumpyQueen


A.K.A Gatekeeper

I love food, don't deprive me of it.

I'm not Princess, I'm Queen

I can be quite grumpy and when I am, I hide here, my dungeon for reflections, ramblings and ranting.

Whatever I write are opinions, and may not be the whole truth. Do not read it like the Gospel.

I hate as vehemently as I love
I already know I'm crazy, be my friend, it's safer

Different is not bad, just not the same as the rest

If you don't like me, it's probably mutual
But I'm nice, really :p

Blog started 21st June 2007, shifted from www.thegatekeeperstory.blogspot.com

If you wanna be linked, just tag ok?

Favourite posts


| How to revert back to old blogger template |
| Glitz and glamour |
| My lil goddaughter |
| 07/07/07 |
| Universe's theory |
| A senseless mess |
| Last class party pics |
| Rambling about stupid aunties |
| Last day of school pics |
| Last day of school pics |
| Tales of the SINGAPOREAN rojak |
| Killing cockroach with Sis I |
| Killing cockroach with Sis II |
| You know you're a Nurse when... |
| Thailand 2007 |
| Taiwan 2008 |
Friends


My old blog | My other blog | Anru |Bernard | Arianz | Cherryl | Candice | Christine | Darren |Emma | Fel | Lady Rose | Moose | Mable Bee | Oda | Princess Snow | Toe Queen | Yvonne |


Credits


Designed by islenska | Blogger | Blogskins.com


Speak To Me


Please use my haloscan to comment on specific posts by clicking on the
"Speak your mind"
link at the end of each post.

For misc/random comments just tag on the latest post.

I'm just too sick and tired of a tagboard with a short term memory.

Thanks! :)


History


December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
May 2010
June 2010
September 2010
October 2010

Updates




Sick of proper pics. Posted some crazy pics. This is the REAL me!
She said, "oh my God! That is so you!"
This is what I want. This IS me, love me for who I am. I would have posted the pics of me sleeping but decided against it. It'll be used as my hp wallpaper.

31.1.07 6:55 PM

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Fate?



I've been going round in circles far too long. I really want to believe in fate, destiny and all that bull crap. Yea, fate and destiny may play a part but we can't keep making them take the rap for everything that goes wrong. If you fail, it means you didn't work hard, what does fate got to do with it? If you work hard and still fail, it means you probably used the wrong method. If you're sure you used the right method, worked hard and still failed, then maybe fate has something to do with it. But what are the chances of that happening?

Yea, I have a quote about friends being there for a reason, season or lifetime somewhere. Sometimes, when friendships do not make it, we should examine why and not blame fate. Sometimes, the only reason stopping a friend from staying for a lifetime is the unwillingness to talk about problems openly. Sweeping problems under the carpet cannot solve things. It only means you're damn good at convincing the whole world that there is no problem. There is a problem and that's you!

Honestly, I see no problem in pursuing the things you really want. It's when you persist stubbornly for too long and hurt too many people, that when it becomes a problem. If what will happen will happen anyway, I might as well spend time trying to achieve things. It's better than sitting around waiting for things to fall on your lap. If after doing all things possible, you still can't defy fate, then maybe things are really not meant to be.

29.1.07 11:24 PM

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I realised...



I realised I love having people fuss over me and nag at me. I love it when they show concern, even if it's done in the most irritating manner like nagging. It's then that I realise that I'm still alive and part of this world. Sometimes while they're nagging away, I'd continue irritating them just so that they would nag more. While they're still nagging, I sometimes look at them and wish to hug them, tell them how much I appreciate them.

I also like talking to people I just met. Because they convince me that I'm nice. Because I'm always psychotic, smiling and laughing away. Yes, even if I'm feeling like shit inside, I wanna smile and laugh and appear cheerful. No one likes talking to a dried prune after all.

What I still find difficult is talking to people I'm supposed to like but actually hate. It's like you have to maintain the smile, keep the jokes coming while making sure your hand doesn't make an involuntary action like slapping the bitch across her face while making a joke. People say it's easy to see if I like or dislike someone. No it's not. It's easy only because I make it so. I make my displeasure known by not saying more than 5 sentences to that idiot. That's so much easier than trying to hide it while making a joke and controlling your limbs. One wrong move and the enemy would realise how much you hate them.

The worst part is if the person you hate is a friend of another friend. How the hell are you supposed to say, "hey I hate that friend of yours. I think he/she is the most obnoxious, disgusting little goblin I've ever met!" Or worse, if that friend of yours would like for you to get along with her friend! And you really wish you could tell her, "hey, you know what? Just because you like that slimy little goblin doesn't mean I should like her too!" But you bite your tongue and just try your very best to get along with that goblin so you don't make your friend's life difficult and because you really treasure her friendship. The WORST, most CRUEL part is, at the end of the whole thing, you're about to give yourself a pat on the shoulder for being such a lovely friend and not spoiling their fun, they happily announce that "since we all get along SO well together, we should all spend time together, doing the things we love doing (correction: we=THEY) " "Of course..." would be my weak reply. Then you see that friend of yours, so happy and pleased that the two important friends in her life are getting on well together.

Is it worth it? I honestly don't know. If it makes you happy, I'd say "why not?" If it's done just to keep your friendship, I'd say, "go find a beautiful grassland, dig a hole, dig and dig, the deepest hole you've ever dug and jump in. Don't worry about covering the hole, I'd be above with a tonne of dung ready to bury you."

I'm curious to know, if one day I force you to choose, what will you do? If I said, "it'll make me happy if you don't mention my name in the same sentence/paragraph as that stupid goblin. It'll also make me happier if you make me feel that I'm more important to you than that slimeball. " Would you do it? Just as I tried to get along with her 'cos I knew how important it is to you, would you do it to make me happier, even if it'll hurt you? If I said that I don't want to hear the junk about how the both of us are equally as important in your eyes and all that bullshit about how we can't choose one friend over the other because they're all different. If I said you had to evaluate BOTH friendships and decide which one means more to you. If the world's going to explode into a million pieces the next minute and you only had one space left on the spaceship to fly one friend to the moon with you. And you cannot do stupid things like give your place up and die with earth while your two friends fly to the moon. If the rule is, one friend+you=safety. Any other stupid ideas and everything will blow up in your face.

Thing about friendship is this, you shared common memories with someone. You talked to them, laughed with them and had loads of fun together. But you cannot expect someone else to feel the same way towards her. Even though that someone else also talked to you, had fun with you and laughed with you. You are that link and frankly, maybe all your friends are getting along to make it less awkward for you.

Thought I wouldn't get personal here but as I wrote, I realised I was writing about the time when I made my friends get along and the time when I had to get along with others for a friend.

28.1.07 11:11 PM

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Ranting



Why is the Asian culture like that? Why can we just accept the compliment graciously, with a smile and thank you? Why do we see the need to say things like "no la, I'm not that good..." ? The other person would be obliged to repeat the compliment with something like, "how can you say that? You're good la, not many people can do it..." The person being complimented would then say something like, "no la, actually everyone can do it, I've seen better work, I'm not so good myself." This will go on and on until it's time to go home or someone changes the topic.

If I'm complimenting you, and you say you're not that good, does that say something about my judgement? Are you saying I've got no taste? When you say things like, many people can do it, are you saying that the people who cannot do it, including yours truly, are idiots? Maybe in actual fact, it takes a genius to figure out how to work something and when you say that many people can do it, you're not only discounting the fact that you're smart but also saying that those who can't do it are idiots when they're in fact, normal people who cannot work this damn thing because it requires LOTS of intelligence to do it. If you had to study for donkey years, do your Masters to be able to qualify to do something, why don't you just say so? Then more people can appreciate your work and won't feel bad they don't know how to do what you just did.

See, if people learn to accept compliments graciously, we'd have more time to pay more compliments or find new things to boast about. After all, we work so hard for others to recognise our work and if they don't, we should boast and let the whole world know we exist. :p If we're smart, we're smart. Don't say you're stupid because that'd make normal people look idiotic. If you think you're smart, say so. Even if others think you're a fool, just keep saying you're smart. One day, either they'll all be convinced that you're smart or people smarter than you i.e. normal people get a chance to be geniuses. If a fool is smart, what about normal people?

We're not as bad as we think. Don't keep looking at what you lack, but what you already have. We're never the worst but also never the best. But we can always be the best we can be and learn how to accept compliments from others who think we're good.

8:38 PM

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Terrible and rainy day



There are people in this world, you don't have to know them to know that you'll dislike them. All they have to do is fit into certain categories or do certain things. I think that's good, you don't have to waste time getting to know a person, finding out about their flaws and then deciding if you still want to be friends. No doubt, just because someone did something or fits into certain categories does not mean they'd make a bad friend. I'm just saying it saves us time so that we don't have to deal with the fact that someday, he/she is going to piss us off with something he/she did. No one goes into a friendship thinking, 'someday, he/she is going to do something that will disgust me. I wanna be friends with her, I wanna experience it, I wanna know what it's like. "

Actions often speak louder than words. No matter what you can say, what you do is often very important, in fact more important then what you have to say. Often, it's not the malice of our enemies that hurt but the silence from our friends. Did that friend mean to be silent? No. But when you go into a silent room, do you storm in and make a hell lot of noise?

When someone's listening, they don't have to tell you that they are.

25.1.07 5:13 PM

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What a pretty quote!



The night has a thousand eyes, and the day but one; yet the light of the bright world dies with the dying sun. The mind has a thousand eyes, and the heart but one; yet the light of a whole life dies when love is done.

The irrtational heart may see more than its logical counterpart. Sometimes, more may be a good idea, but sometimes, it may just cause your downfall. Heard the story of the frog cooked to death? It was done gradually. First the cook added one bowl of hot water to normal tap water. The frog thought that was quite comfortable. The cook kept adding water until the pot of water became too hot to bear. But by then, it was too late and the frog died.

There may be thousands of stars out there but how many will stay? If you make the ones who were supposed to stay leave and those who were supposed to leave stay, one day, you'll lose everything. The one who was supposed to stay cried, lost her sparkle and died the day you pushed her away. The one who should leave will leave when it's time to do so.

We might know what we want but we'll never know what we need until we've lost them.

24.1.07 9:57 PM

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I need a hug



When you need me but don't want me then I must stay. When you want me but no longer need me, then I must leave.

It's not that no one's there, is just that the one we want there can't be there. No one will ask a monk if he needs a comb. Similarly, no one will ask if you need help when you're coping perfectly well. You may be crucifying yourself slowly inside, but no one will ever notice. That's why it's always a good idea to look like a corpse if you need help or others will think you're crying wolf.

There are people who look fine but are in fact, not. These are the people who're most dangerous. Because if they wanted to die, they would and could do so and you can't do shit about it. The best part is, if they're not dead by the time you find out about what's going on beneath that beautiful facade, it means they're going to come out of it, better and stronger.

Whoever you knew then, I cannot find now. I don't know where is the girl who once occupied this body is now...

8:39 PM

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The broken slipper



Do not stare at anyone with a broken sandal/slipper/shoe if you cannot help or do not intend to. It's an order, from the Gatekeeper. It's not like a quick glance, it's like looking at my foot for at least 5 secs. Are you so retarded you cannot figure out that it's not a broken foot, it's a broken shoe within 2 secs of spotting the broken strap?

What in the world is wrong with this bunch of airheads? Never seen someone with a broken slipper? Or are they stupid enough to be thinking, "hmm, that girl is so poor, shoe broken already still wearing it to school..." No one is so dumb to wear a broken slipper to school and limp for about 15 mins. No one, at least no normal person would do that.

I seriously had the urge of taking off my slipper and walk barefooted until I manage to fix it. But that'll just make others stare more. Plus, it'll make my foot sore and make me boil even more. Ok, so in the end I made it to school and my friend helped fix the shoe. She's a genius.

Then I saw a girl sitting across me at mac. She had no life. Everytime I see her, she's with him or his friends. Poor thing, she doesn't have any friends of her own. Actually it wouldn't bother me so much if they did not irritate me so much with their Bollywood style love story. They were running around the pond with another guy the other day playing catching. The bf caught his gf and hugged her while his friend looked on and smiled. Extra. ~rolls eyes~

22.1.07 6:57 PM

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MSN/hotmail is down!



Fidgity. Arrgh! MSN is down, has been the case for about 3 hours. I've got to clear my mails, will hotmail please get their act together?

Yea, it's free. So I should just shut up and stare at the screen. Wait and just wait. Because it's free they have every right to make thousands, if not millions of people wait for the service to be restored.

21.1.07 8:25 PM

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You'll never know the true meaning of love, forgiveness and accepting someone for who they are until you've been in a position that required someone to love you, forgive or accept you.

When we want to reject someone for having a certain trait, ask yourself, what gives you that right? Because you're the superior one? How? In what way? You can only reject someone if you've been given permission by that person. If you go, "hey, I don't like your face, get out from my sight." He/she goes, "so? not like I like yours!" and walks out, that's not rejection. That means the fella thought he/she would be better off without you and walked away. He/she WALKED away and was NOT rejected. It's a simple fact ignored by many with huge egos.

20.1.07 4:44 PM

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whatever



People these days cannot understand this simple fact, while it's ok to criticise your own family members once in a while, it's not ok for other people to join in, agree or add their own comments. Who are they to agree with you when they're not even living with the person you're criticising?

If you don't know what it's like, saying something like, "I understand..." would be better than saying, "yea, she's the most obnoxious, dominating and irritating person that walked this face of this earth. I think it's terrible you have to live with her."

When something like that happens, I'll stand there and look at the person adding on to what I'd just said with the hello-I-did-not-say-she-was-THAT-terrible look.

4:07 PM

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*yawns



Another happy day cos I got rid of all my tests, haven't been sleeping much these days, tonight I can get some rest.

I've got a pair of peacock feather earings. My friend said they're beautiful. Why are males such beautiful things in the animal kingdom? The lion looks pretty with his big but useless mane. All he does is sit around all day and wait for the lioness to come back with the catch. To make things worse, when she's back, she and her cubs have to WAIT for this useless beast to finish his meal before devouring the leftovers. It's bad enough he doesn't hunt, now he's taking all their food like some parasite. What's more, he's fighting for food with his kids, the ones carrying his stupid genes. Oh well, I suppose I'd rather stick to useful, normal looking males then. Imagine a guy looking so pretty but is useless at everything. I wish I could shake the stupid lioness and tell her, "what the hell is wrong with you? Why are you sticking with this parasite? Stand up, defend yourself and kids, drive him away, if another male wants to join, make him hunt too." :p

Better not...She might kill me and I'd end up as that useless parasite's dinner.

18.1.07 8:56 PM

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It's a happy day!



Love will always leave its mark. It will fade, leave a scar but it'll not disappear without a trace.

There is a big difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. Loving someone is like getting those butterfly feelings in your stomach when you see him. Being in love with someone is more like an exchange of feelings, the confidence the other person will always be there for you no matter what. Knowing that you can look like crap and he'll still love you.

That was pretty random. I wanted to blog about my happy miraculous day today initially. Now I feel like I'm in the lovey mood I had to write something about love.

"Love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing."

15.1.07 11:05 PM

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~sighs~



Woke up early today too. Am almost in a I-don't-care mood. I don't seem to care that I'm disappointing people. People are disappointed only when they expect something. I know I probably cannot meet a lot of these expectations in my present state of mind but people just keep expecting more.

"Oh, you cannot make it this time? It's ok, there's always next time. Next time, lets..." I hear that all too often. I will meet all your expectations as and when I'm ready, not when you want me to. It's a vicious cycle. I'm afraid of disappointing, which is why I keep promising. When I promise, I've got to fulfil. When I do it, they expect more. It goes on and on until one day, I've got no choice but to say no. I can no longer keep up.

The difference is, I don't seem to care that people are disappointed with me. I don't seem to ask, "was there anything I could have done better?" No, I simply shrug it off. It probably sounds selfish, but I'm tired of it all.

14.1.07 2:51 PM

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A rainy day



13th Jan 2007
It's raining, it's pouring. What a nice day to be sleeping in. Woke up early today, will need to wake up early tmr too. Oh well, that's life.

Bumped into someone today. Actually not really bumped into per se, I saw him, he didn't see me. I could have stepped forward in my market looking clothes and messy hair to say hi but didn't. Only people who know me well have the right to see me in that state. He's happy with his life and I'm getting on well with mine. I guess that's all that really matters.

It's not about how long you've known each other but how well you know one another. It's not about the clothes, hair and makeup but the emotions, thoughts and comfort of the person. You can never expect total honesty if someone's uncomfortable with you. All that someone will do is put on masks after masks to hide his/her real self.

I guess what I learnt is that I need to be comfortable with myself and the people most important to me. I never saw the importance of it until then. It's an ugly world out there, if you can find people whom you can be totally honest with, that's a blessing. But even if you have the right kind of people, you need to be ABLE to be honest to them and to yourself. Love yourself a bit more, believe that you're lovable enough to show your true self. There is really nothing like being you.

13.1.07 10:14 PM

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Awww



Hehe my friends are scared of me now. They said anything they say now can end up on my blog. Girls, what are blogs for? Ranting.

I believe I said it before, my blog's almost like my only outlet now. There are so many things I want to say but sometimes, can't. The things I write here may or may not be applicable to you. If you think I'm talking about you, so be it. If I'm talking about you and you're dense enough not to notice, so be it. The good thing about blogs is, if the reader doesn't get the point, you can't strangle the life out of him/her. You can only write what you feel and leave it to whoever's reading to interpret.

It's such a romantic day today. We walked in puddles of water 'cos my school's flooded. I really can't understand. They spend tons and tons of money making fountains everywhere, cleaning toilets every 15 mins or so but can't be bothered to invest in a PROPER drainage system so the school won't flood everytime there is a thunderstorm. Yes, we may be romantic people but walking in puddles while hearing other people going "eeee! Ahhhh! I'm wet! I'm wet!" is not exactly fun, you know.

I was just telling her, if my bf would say something like "dear, let me carry you across the puddle, I don't want you to get wet." I'd just die there, and die a happy girl. It's not the flowers, chocolates or expensive gifts that sustain a relationship. It's the little acts of love. I guess I'd rather get constant reminders that I'm loved then loud, infrequent declarations of love.

11.1.07 9:15 PM

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Isn't it strange?



Someone feels EXACTLY how I feel. I just saw her blog and I basically told her the same things I told myself then. These feelings are more real now because someone feels the same way and wrote it in her own way.

It's easier said then done and frankly, up till now I'm still feeling like that, now and then. Actions speak louder then words and sometimes, "uh huh" is better then a whole lot of beautiful phrases randomly put together.

I've never been so sure of myself, of what I feel up till now. But sometimes, that firm belief in myself and in my feelings is shaken because of other people's confusion. Because people like going back and forth, should I or should I not kinda of thing. So I end up with the should I move forward, stay where I am or move backwards thing.

10.1.07 9:40 PM

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Unsettled



A little too unsettled. A bit too figidty. A little too much tension. I wouldn't say it's bad, I don't know if it's good anyway. A little off my usual state of equilibrium.

9.1.07 11:12 PM

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Where are they from?



There are so many people that do not make grand entrances into our lives. They inch their way in. They find a place somewhere in your heart. They start small but slowly, they'll grow roots and become bigger. Before you know it, they're so big and occupying a large space. "When did you get here? How did you get so big?", you ask them. All you get is a smile.

8.1.07 12:13 AM

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tired



Slowly but surely I'm crawling out of it. Most cannot understand. Most cannot help even if they want to, a lot don't know what it's like. I shouldn't go around sulking and making people feel uncomfortable.

My relationship with others must take piority now. What's the point of driving myself half to death with deadlines and so on? If I drop dead now, do you think it'll be important if I made it for exams or not? It's really no point shutting people out. For someone to hear you cry out for help, they need to be close enough. Other people are not put there for decoration. They're not there to talk among themselves while you listen in. Although sometimes, it's nice to sit around and watch the world go by.

Yesterday I thought of doing something. I felt like going to each pool table, steal their black ball and then bring them all to mine so I can play with black balls. I think this will give me the attention I was deprived of. Anyone care to tell me what will happen? :p

7.1.07 11:13 PM

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Finally, a slightly happier post



I was still quite unhappy until 4 pm today. But being part of a great team that delivered a fantastic presentation today made me feel A LOT better. It was not the praises from the lecturer that made me happy, it was the fact that everyone chipped in and supported each other throughout. I also received a pleasant surprise soon after. That, helped to put everything into perspective.

The above 2 incidents helped to brighten up my day but there are still things bothering me. I'm probably just going to leave everything as it is and see how many surprises I can get. After all, what is God for? He must be quite busy, thinking of 1001 ways to surprise me. Then if he still has some spare time, he'd be thinking of ways to sort out my screwed up life, to make sure I remain on the right track.

I've got so many questions for which I don't have any answers for. I'd probably take a long time to get answers, because I find myself going around in circles and coming back to square one. I want to do what feels right, not what I think is right. But somehow, I cannot help but use logic to question my heart. My heart doesn't have a brain, she's dumb and just emotional. She can only tell my brain in her tiny little voice, "I don't know, it feels right, do it, do it!" My brain would bellow loudly, "shut up, you emotional little thing! Do it? Have you thought of the consequences? Do you know what it's going to cost you?" Consequences. What a huge word. How can an emotional little thing understand such a big word? All she can do is tell the brain what she feels and get yelled at. He'd never listen to her. He'd never listen because he feels he has it all under control. He knows what to do, how to do it and when to do it.

It's not that the brain never listens. Deep inside, he knows that sometimes, the heart may be right. That we should be a little more spontaneous and not hold back too much. He knows that the heart knows something that he doesn't. How to love. Although she'd get hurt and it'd be his responsibility to get back at the joker who made her cry, she never stops loving. That's why, in love the head and heart should remain united. The head to evaluate the situation and see if it's worth the risk. The heart to love and if she gets hurt in the process, the head will step in and make sure the idiot would regret even leaving his mother's womb. The heart would probably step in, if she's not too hurt and plead for leniency. Then she'd leave quietly to cry in a corner, to repair herself and muster up the courage to love again.

What if they're meant for each other and are going to learn how to live happily ever after? The head doesn't just rot and die there. The heart, although good at loving, can become a little too emotional and may start with a little too many unrealistic dreams for the future. The head sticks around to remind her that love is not all about gazing deep into one another's eyes and not eating. Life has to go on, we still need to eat, sleep, shit and pay bills right?

Oh well, what a weird little post I have there. I guess I haven't found that state of equilibrium yet.

5.1.07 8:26 PM

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My random post



Someone told me the Virgo's horoscope today. It says something like Virgo's avoiding someone and that someone seems to be a good friend. I'm not a Virgo and I don't really believe in horoscopes because they never ever tell me the truth. This time, I feel Virgo's horoscope reading applies to me. See what I mean about it being inaccurate? And it's not really avoiding, I just don't really see the point in holding on so tightly to everything and everyone.

What's yours will remain yours. You don't have the right to hold on to something if it was never yours in the first place. Isn't holding on to something/someone such a redundant thing then?

In every friendship/relationship, I suppose there will come a time when you're tested. How much does that person mean to you? Even more than your own happiness? Cos if he/she means so much to you, then you'll do all it takes to give the other person whatever he/she wants, even at the expense of your own happiness. Now just how much do you mean to him/her? When you give someone freedom to choose and they're still around, it probably means they're staying 'cos they want to, not because they have to. It's not about just dumping them and tell them, "you know what, leave if you want to, I won't give a shit." Yes, you still treasure them and love them, but if one day you realise that they have to go, for whatever reason and they're no longer yours. Do you still selfishly make them stay? There is no point keeping someone who's heart is already somewhere else. And the day you can do it is the day you've become a better person. And if the friendship/relationship lives through the crisis, you've just taken it to the next level.

Recently I think I've been going about in circles and riddles. I talk about serious matters laughingly and crazily. I talk about what looks like a random thing to bring a point across. I can be straightforward like before but I feel that for certain things, if you can't get it, you can't get it. No point breaking it down simply for you. It's my way of sharing things with those who mean most to me. They should understand my thinking and speak my language. Two cute girls told me they would call each other and discuss it among themselves to figure out what I'm saying if they don't understand. ROTFL!

Don't you think the most attractive feature of a guy is his persistance and determination? I've seen people do so many things to get someone's attention to no avail. You know what I learnt? If he's yours, he's yours. I proved myself wrong, they don't just fool around and laugh all day. They only do that with the wrong girls. Someone told me about his gf, and when I looked at the way he talked and the look in his eyes, something told me they'll be together for a long, long time. So to confirm, I had to ask, "do you think she's the one ar?" He looked straight into my eyes and went, "yes." That "yes" made my hair stand. Because it will filled with so much sincerity and he had so much faith in that relationship. Because he knows what he wants. And that, is probably what he needs to remain committed.

If you don't know what you want, you don't know who you want or you don't know much about yourself, you'll never be able to love another human being properly. And to do all that, you need to start by loving yourself and being the best you can be. Tata for now!

4.1.07 9:05 PM

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Countdown



I didn't do one on New year's eve. Decided to do one now 'cos I'm bored. 28 mins to midnight.

She, in all her pinkiness made me realise something today. That we never treasure something until we lose it. And just because I'm not like that doesn't mean everyone's not like that. Just because I like something doesn't mean everyone should like it. 25 mins to midnight.

If you don't already know, I am, by nature a very very possessive person. I go bonkers if someone invades my property or takes something away from me. Seriously, don't try, you'd regret even knowing me. I suppose that doesn't count as treasuring someone right? 20 mins to midnight

I used to keep hamsters when I was younger. I suppose I got this trait from them. When you touch the baby hamsters, the mother would eat up her children. She'd rather kill her kids personally than allow an invader to hurt them. I'd rather destroy something I've built than allow someone else to take it away whole. 18 mins to midnight.

I think it sounds psycho. To think that just hours ago I said I'd stop my crazy fantasies. A short comment triggered this whole post. 16 mins to midnight.

I guess too much of everything is no good. It's good to treasure people, but not to the point of destroying them and not allowing them freedom to do whatever they want. Looking at it from another perspective, if they want to leave, what's the point of keeping them? It's better they leave with the memory of you being gracious than them leave with bad memories of you being psychotic. 13 mins to midnight.

There is no point in killing them and burying them in your backyard so that they'll always be with you. My hamsters used to run away from their cages. I found them everytime and kept on reminding them not to run about, that they may run into someone's house and end up as dinner. Do you think they care? No, because they felt I was restricting their freedom. One day, when they were running about in the fields, a crow flew down and wanted them for dinner. I delibrately allowed it time to hover over them for a while before rushing to their rescue. I wanted to prove that I was right in trying to protect them. "Don't be silly, they can't understand you!" My dad laughed at me. But they understood and never tried escaping for a long time after that. 5 mins to midnight

One died subsequently. The other ran away. This time, I never found him. I suppose if he felt that there is a better home out there, I cannot stop him. I really wanted him by my side but he probably wants his freedom even more. ~shrugs~ I hope he had a good time. He should be dead by now. But no matter what happens, if you want your freedom so much that you have to run away from someone who loves you so much, don't ever come crawling back, even if the grass at the other side is not any greener. For that, I respect him. Sometimes, animals have so much more sense than human beings. 1 min to midnight.

IT'S MIDNIGHT! TIME TO IGNORE THE WORLD AND GO TO BED!

3.1.07 11:32 PM

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My new year resolutions



It was supposed to be written on New year's day. I suppose I was too depressed to think about the future. Now that I'm a little back to normal, I've made some New Year resolutions.

1. Get more pink clothes, wear pink a bit more often. After all, I think I look okay in pink and I'm a girl. Girls wear pink.

2. Be a little gentler. Stop shouting at people and stop all my crazy nonsense. Which means I should stop fantasizing about yanking the hair out of people's heads when they get a little too wishy-washy.

3. Eat more vegetables, be nice to my body.

4. Be nice to my enemies, stop killing them and disposing their bodies. I've run out of ideas where to hide the bodies. And just because I don't like someone doesn't mean they don't have the right to live to tell the tale.

I don't know, kinda of want to be a 小女人 these days. I don't want to be so strong. I wish to be a little more vulnerable, to be protected. I don't really want to hear the words, "you don't have to worry about her, she'll live." Why don't they say, "you've got to help her, protect her because she's a weak little girl who cannot help herself."

Why can't I be like that? You know what? I think none of it will come true. Maybe only the eating more veg part. The others seem a bit more unattainable. Oh well...

8:25 PM

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What a lovely school...



Test today. Bad day. The test was ok, the invigilator's perverted. She went around booking people for wearing slippers. I wonder which joker came up with the rule.

1. Go to those shoe shops you see all around the place, how many sandals do you see around? Defination of sandals: Must have the back strap.
2. Those with the backstraps, how many look reasonably good and affordable.
3. How many can match various outfits?

Yes, they want us to look professional. Go to Raffles place, look at how many people are wearing footwear without backstraps, do they look unprofessional? Are they still nicely dressed? Would they rather I wear footwear with backstrap that doesn't match my outfit at all or footwear without the backstraps that matches my outfit perfectly? What?! The one with backstraps that stands out like a sore thumb? Perverted or what?!

Already there is so little footwear with backstraps to choose from, and you still wanna look presentable. Should I buy all the footwear with backstrap I see than? You think my parents print money is it? So if they say things like, you don't have to look so presentable, you're coming to school not coming for matchmaking. How to look professional when you're not even presentable looking?

You keep telling us to know the rationale behind things, so what's the rationale behind this rule? Some lecturers don't even agree with it. How's that there are rules that the staff feel is unnecessary and don't really reinforce? No one can see the rationale and it's time to change things, that's why.

8:10 PM

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Just shut the fuck up! All of you! If I could swear in your faces, I would. I feel stuck, unable to breathe. How much more are all of you going to push me? When will it all end? Stop telling me what to believe.

To the people waiting for me to fall...the day you're going to eat shit for dinner is the day I'm falling. To the people willing to cushion the fall, appreciate it loads. To the people preventing the fall, you're the greatest.

I will press on until the end and never give up. There is no room for mistakes, nor an option called "failure." If you attempt to make me fall, I'd do whatever it takes to kill you. Bite, scratch, suck out your brains, pull out your hair, grind your bones to powder, drain your blood until your last drop, make a beautiful luggage bag with your skin or burn your eyebrows. I'm capable of it all, don't try me.

1.1.07 11:45 PM

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Happy New Year!



Added my pics. I guess I needed to do something to mark the new year. My blog's almost my only outlet now. No one can be there 24/7 to listen to your grouses. But everyone can wake up at 4 a.m. and write about what's bothering them on a blog.

We shouldn't depend too much on human beings. They fail us. They don't mean to, but the fact is, they will. We shouldn't live in lala land for too long, reality hurts. Sometimes, it'd be good to see a person for who he/she really is, rather than who he/she is in your head. We sometimes choose to ignore the facts, because it contradicts our thinking. We choose what to believe. And so, when the ugly truth comes and takes his seat right in the middle of our hallway and we cannot ignore it any further, we blame everything and everyone but ourselves. There is a price to pay for lying, a bigger price for lying to yourself.

12:52 AM

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