♥ Queen of all Grumpy Old Farts ♥

About the GrumpyQueen

A.K.A Gatekeeper

I love food, don't deprive me of it.

I'm not Princess, I'm Queen

I can be quite grumpy and when I am, I hide here, my dungeon for reflections, ramblings and ranting.

Whatever I write are opinions, and may not be the whole truth. Do not read it like the Gospel.

I hate as vehemently as I love
I already know I'm crazy, be my friend, it's safer

Different is not bad, just not the same as the rest

If you don't like me, it's probably mutual
But I'm nice, really :p

Blog started 21st June 2007, shifted from www.thegatekeeperstory.blogspot.com

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History

December 2006
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October 2010

Sometimes the best thing you can wish for is death

I don't want to sound cruel, or inhumane. But sometimes, death seems to be the best way out for some really ill people. Death will release them from their anguish, death means that we're handing them over to God, who'll take better care of them. Perhaps, when you've seen someone suffering, struggling to breathe, you'll wish the same for them.

These 2 weeks have been a traumatic time for me. I've seen more deaths during this period than the whole of my 19 years times two. All of them look the same on admission day and on discharge day. So really, what have we done for them? How have we changed their lives?

I sometimes don't understand myself. While I enjoy predictability like checklists and studying from books, I like using my intuition too. I like the unpredictability of psych nursing. I love the fact that there are no hard and fast rules, you depend on your intuition and empathy for them. Empathise, not sympathise. If you cannot empathise, try to understand. If cannot understand, go and die. Kidding.

I sometimes feel the world is a wonderful place. That somehow, we're connected by unseen bonds. The love parents have for their children, the passionate love of lovers and even the bond we can form with a dying stranger. We can hold the hands of a dying stranger and feel his/her pain, feel the family's pain, even though we barely know each other. That somehow, if you dig deep enough, you can feel another's pain, you can feel how much energy a depressed soul needs to live. If you allow yourself to feel, you can also feel that beneath the depression, lies a will to live. If you can, always reach out and try to pull him out of that dark pit. But no one can help him if he doesn't call out for help.

On a brighter note, Tommy (my beloved driving instructor) was very happy with me today. I didn't make any major, life threatening mistakes today. The miracle was, I was feeling a lil sleepy, drank coffee before my lesson and became sleepier. I think they drugged my coffee with sleeping pills.

Reason for my sleepiness? My damn exam results. My beloved school sends us an SMS containing our results at the ungodly hour of 4 a.m every semester. I'd jump when my phone beeps, jump even more when I see the results, then toss and turn until I fall off to sleep. This semester, I woke up at 4 a.m, expecting to see a message but no message. I gripped my phone like an anxious lover, imagining the worst scenarios. The most possible ones were, I screwed my papers and they were trying to salvage what they could, hence they need a longer time to compute my grades. Next, incomplete module evaluation. They think that lazy people who defy orders to complete module evaluations deserve to be kept in suspense.

Very reluctantly, I pulled myself out of bed, crawled to the comp and forced myself to complete the stupid evaluation. Then, like a kid looking for her present from Santa, I tried assessing my results online. Turns out I went to the wrong page, which is why I couldn't see it. I felt dumb when my school mates told me that I should have gone to the other page. Why do they even put 2 results page if one is not updated at the same time as the other?

So yea, I only got my results at 9 plus in the morning, dizzy with happiness because were better than expected, more than I wished for. I finally cleared all my academic modules and can concentrate on passing my attachments. The last reason? ~sighs~ kinda of hard to explain, probably only God and me would know.

My bed's calling out to me. I haven't been spending much time on it the whole of this week, hopefully, we can make up for it this weekend.

14.9.07 11:31 PM

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