♥ Queen of all Grumpy Old Farts ♥

About the GrumpyQueen

A.K.A Gatekeeper

I love food, don't deprive me of it.

I'm not Princess, I'm Queen

I can be quite grumpy and when I am, I hide here, my dungeon for reflections, ramblings and ranting.

Whatever I write are opinions, and may not be the whole truth. Do not read it like the Gospel.

I hate as vehemently as I love
I already know I'm crazy, be my friend, it's safer

Different is not bad, just not the same as the rest

If you don't like me, it's probably mutual
But I'm nice, really :p

Blog started 21st June 2007, shifted from www.thegatekeeperstory.blogspot.com

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October 2010

The emptiness in me

I promised myself--no depressing entries anymore. Dramatic rants, yes, at least try to make it funny. *weak smile*

My sis once said, "you sound very different in your blog and in real life." That jolted me, how can my blog and real life be so different? That's it. I'm gonna do what I do best, rant and criticise everyone and everything on here. It's therapeutic.

But this time, I really can't help it anymore. Driving is killing me, taking the laughter away from me. I feel like I'm trapped in a stale relationship. I just go, "what's the point" every single damn lesson. It's like a couple staying together because of kids or the house. For me, I'm perservering because of the money already invested.

Today, at the N course, he told me "it's too late, too late..." Guess what I did? I stubbornly turned, refused to correct the turn, praying that it won't hit the kerb. Hahahahah! Never hit leh! I was so happy, for once I felt I had some judgement skills, or maybe luck.

Basically, I felt like an idiot today.

"Signal on! Quick!"
"Stop! Here must stop!"
"Give way, give way to him!"
"Get your biting, get your biting!"
"Go slow here ah..."

Why is he telling me every single damn thing? I don't know when to on signal meh? Don't know must give way meh? I feel like a damn idiot you know. And you know the bad thing about me? When you treat me like an idiot, I act like one. After a few minutes, I sort of stopped thinking for myself. I just drive on, waiting for my next instruction, thus making me look like a bloody fool, fulfilling my instructor's prophecy. Self fulfilling prophecy. Make someone feel like a fool, they'll act like one and you'll think they're one.

I'm not saying I'm like so damn good at driving. But I just feel he's not helping me, just making me feel more terrible. At this point, I need to see some light, some hope. But he's just trampling on me. Can't you see that I'm already demoralised, almost bursting at the seams? I don't need you to make me feel worse.

When you make me numb to it all, then we're all in trouble. Because when I stop caring, stop feeling, it's when I won't bother improving.

One week more, I feel like it's the hardest thing I've done, the worse time in my life.

22.10.07 4:07 PM

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