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About the GrumpyQueen


A.K.A Gatekeeper

I love food, don't deprive me of it.

I'm not Princess, I'm Queen

I can be quite grumpy and when I am, I hide here, my dungeon for reflections, ramblings and ranting.

Whatever I write are opinions, and may not be the whole truth. Do not read it like the Gospel.

I hate as vehemently as I love
I already know I'm crazy, be my friend, it's safer

Different is not bad, just not the same as the rest

If you don't like me, it's probably mutual
But I'm nice, really :p

Blog started 21st June 2007, shifted from www.thegatekeeperstory.blogspot.com

If you wanna be linked, just tag ok?

Favourite posts


| How to revert back to old blogger template |
| Glitz and glamour |
| My lil goddaughter |
| 07/07/07 |
| Universe's theory |
| A senseless mess |
| Last class party pics |
| Rambling about stupid aunties |
| Last day of school pics |
| Last day of school pics |
| Tales of the SINGAPOREAN rojak |
| Killing cockroach with Sis I |
| Killing cockroach with Sis II |
| You know you're a Nurse when... |
| Thailand 2007 |
| Taiwan 2008 |
Friends


My old blog | My other blog | Anru |Bernard | Arianz | Cherryl | Candice | Christine | Darren |Emma | Fel | Lady Rose | Moose | Mable Bee | Oda | Princess Snow | Toe Queen | Yvonne |


Credits


Designed by islenska | Blogger | Blogskins.com


Speak To Me


Please use my haloscan to comment on specific posts by clicking on the
"Speak your mind"
link at the end of each post.

For misc/random comments just tag on the latest post.

I'm just too sick and tired of a tagboard with a short term memory.

Thanks! :)


History


December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
May 2010
June 2010
September 2010
October 2010

Got a hot date



My darling got her license and she's giving me a ride tmr. If she plans on killing me then eloping with someone else then this should be my last post. :p

Ok, she won't do that. And it's quite hard to get rid of me you know...

I think it's exciting when you see ur friends drive. It's like you're finally an adult.

Anyway, I'll strive to pass soon. My greatest dream is to say, "sorry, am late cos I can't get a parking lot." I think it's better than saying, "sorry ah, bus came late." Writing it down increases the likelihood of it happening.

29.3.07 10:04 PM

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I have no idea what professional photography is all about!



Seriously, I don't have any idea what is it all about. I mean like some people tell me it's about the right angle and lighting. For me, as long as the pic comes out nice and clear, people look like people, cats look like cats, buildings like buildings, that means the angle's right and there's enough lighting.

I'll have to admit, there are some pics, just taken like that, without any feelings. But there are some, like if they take an old lady sitting at the bus stop, somehow you can feel what the old lady must be feeling at that instant. But it's all a matter of perception isn't it? What has professionalism got to do with it? How can you make them feel what the old lady is feeling with the camera?

The same with dances. I never get the story behind the dance. I don't see how a few people twirling around=story.

As for art pieces, sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't. I mean like if you want your piece to have a depressing feeling, just use dark colours. For a happier feel, use bright colours, that I get.

Music too I get. I can sense when the piece is supposed to give you a depressing feel or when you're supposed to feel happiness.

But all these, it's just a matter of perception, like I said. Who says you can't have a brightly coloured piece that portrays depression? What if your subjects are looking glum and solemn but are wearing brightly coloured clothes? Can you still say they're happy?

Everything in life is just a matter of perception. Maybe that's why there are rules, to try to regulate things. To make things a little more logical, or mathematical, so that there is black and white and very little grey area. And sometimes, I think, we make trouble for ourselves by trying to put things into either the black, white or grey areas.

26.3.07 3:56 PM

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You have no idea what adventures I had this weekend. Friday evening, went for camp. Went to bed at 2 a.m. Tossed and turned till I don't know what time, woke up at 7.25 a.m. I had like a bed to myself, shared rooms with 2 other people. Quite comfortable right? Just can't get to sleep in a rather unfamiliar environment.

You know when you wake up, you hear cars honking, crows cawing away and just a lot of noise. This camp site was kinda of cool, you hear birds chirping. BIRDS CHIRPING!!! Not CROWS SHOUTING AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS! If birds have lungs, that is.

Left before the official ending time, went home, dumped my clothes in the machine. Went to church. Was doing the ticket thing, today was the ticket sales day. First time in history, I suppose. My pri 5 catechism teacher recognised me but I didn't recognise her! Imagine how I must have felt, don't know which hole to climb in! In the end, just said something like "must come support my play ok?" Then found an excuse to run away.

Now I'm so so tired. Someone just asked me what am I doing for my holidays, since I've got a long break. I didnt know how to answer, I just said lazing around...

In actual fact, I can't really remember what I did for the whole week. I just remember being home only on thurs. I probably went out, but like where and with who, cannot really remember. All I know is that I've got to remember my driving lessons! Just hope I won't crash into some stupid tree or scare anyone. Wish me luck!

24.3.07 11:00 PM

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They have eyes but don't see, they hear but do not listen. What more can we say/do?

22.3.07 11:37 AM

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Isn't it pretty?



Isn't it pretty? I've got like 7 different quotes so there's some variation. I spent like 1 whole day, editing and editing, changing it from coloured to black and white back to colour. Added the quotes, made some without quotes just in case the rest of them decide not to put in quotes.

Oh yea, do you know the main problem? It was finding a bloody printer who would print it then cut it for me. You expect me to cut out 200 over tickets?! At last, I found one who did such stuff and I even have a sample of his work! Anyway, he did coloured ones which explains why I needed to change it back to coloured. Anyway, the uncoloured ones look un-professional, and it'll be printed on those normal A4 paper. BORING! And the exciting thing is, it's going to be coloured, printed on nice, slightly glossy and firm paper! I'm really so excited to see it!

~jumps about like a mad woman~

It won't be so huge, about 1/9 of a landscape, A4 paper.

Ok, I wouldn't be so thick-skinned as to take ALL credit. 'cos after all, someone had to tell me where she got her stuff printed the last time, which was why I found this nice printer. He's damn nice la, agreed to rush it out for me, and even gave me a discount. I've got a new defination of miracles now, it's not about things falling from the sky, it's about people coming in to offer help, mysteriously. Somehow, even walking to get something done can inspire you to add something to your design. Somehow, everyone is so free to talk you, answer your questions and help you. Miracles need people to happen.

20.3.07 11:22 PM

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Yet another video. I like this song, but the video is a little errm...
Never mind! The point here is I like the song, it's not about the video.


19.3.07 2:35 PM

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Till the end



You know it's funny, I really hated this song. It's a lovely song but one of my dearest friend decided to record part of the song, the part that goes "in my heart, I can no longer..." to use as her message ringtone. And you know how many messages you can receive in a day right? So everytime a message comes in, I'd hear "in my heart, I can no longer..." It got to a point where I was hearing it something like 10 times in an hour, I developed a phobia of the song. This time during attachment, she was playing the song and I realised it has beautiful lyrics. I discovered that the song doesn't just comprise of "in my heart, I can no longer..." , I realised that the title of the song is "Till the end" not "in my heart..." But I still cringe when I hear the "in my heart" part.


17.3.07 11:34 PM

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YAY!



I'm finally done with attachments!

~shudders at thought of taking 3 buses, waking up at 4 plus in the morning~

All I want for you is for you to remain safe and happy. But I've got enough of worrying, I can't keep going on like that. I want my old, happy self back. I want to be able to look at life optimistically again. And so, I've decided to let go of everything, for a while at least. I want to live at least a week without thinking if you're upset, in trouble or burdened with problems. If you need me, I'll be there. If you're not asking for help, I can't keep thinking that I'm a bad friend because I didn't ask if you need me there. I should presume that you're not asking because you don't need.

And so I should be a happy lil bunny for the whole of next week. If I enjoy this bunny lifestyle, I should continue living it, oblivious to other people's problems. After all, I don't see why am I so bogged down by their problems.

12:10 AM

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Sucks



Life sucks. I'm really so sleepy, can't wait for this MAH attachment to end. For goodness sake, I've got to wake up at 4.30 am, take 3 buses, brisk walk for 10 mins or so, climb up a steep hill to reach the ward. Is that madness or what?

~yawns~

Actually, I did something similar during my imh attachment, I think the difference was that I was actually looking forward to going to work. It's not the hospital, neither is it the patients, more like my interests. Undeniably, environment, the kind of patients you're dealing with and the staff working with you would play a part as well.

I just want my holidays! I'm really really really very tired...

Anyway, I feel that I've been disappointed too many times recently. Now, I'm almost numb to it all. Mental and physical exhaustion...

15.3.07 12:26 AM

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I am supposed to be studying for my final theory. ~yawns~ doesnt seem interesting enough though. Just one more week, will be minding babies for the next week then it'll be holidays!!!

I dread going out to work. Attachments are like so different. I mean, you're learning how to survive in the hospital but you're still protected to some extent. You don't really need to suck up to superiors to get promoted, although you still need to suck up to them for learning opportunities. But to be fair, not all of them are like them, some are genuinely nice and cool. We were just chitchatting with one of the nurses and she was just telling us what it's like, what she's seen and experienced and all. I know we'll toughen up anyway but still there'd be this period of time when we're still soft and naive right?

It's not because I hate the career I've chosen but like any career, there'd be some form of office politics and whatever crap. I don't know if I've got enough strength to live through all these.

Updated 14/3: I saved this as a draft cos I had to do something and couldn't complete the entry. Minding babies does not make you simple like them. People are not saints but shouldn't they try to behave in a more human-like rather than beastly manner? When some work in the same kind of job for decades, they become complacent and stagnated. With no other way to rise up and with the young coming in, energetic, armed with new knowledge, they can only trample on those below them, snuff out another's light to make their own shine through. An idle mind's a devil's workshop.

10.3.07 7:20 PM

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$4.80



$4.80 bought me a mirror that showed a friend's concern. She could have left it as that and not offer to thrash it out with them. Although I told her it's not worth it, I really appreciated the offer. I mean, why waste so much time and energy on 2 poop heads? It didn't hurt, not one bit, 'cos they're not even friends to start with.

She was pissed off by their attitudes, I was too. But recently, I saw no need to get angry with people I don't know that well anyway. It's just an expensive waste of time and energy. Everyone can make you angry but are you sure you've got THAT much time and energy to get angry with the whole world?

I sometimes scold her a lot, I get pissed off with her a lot. I wish she knows it's out of concern for her, fear that she'll mess up her life. She's goes off with the "what-have-I-done-wrong-again look. It exasperates me even more when I see that look. Sometimes, I bite my tongue, sometimes the look triggers another scolding.

I sometimes cannot get her logic. I try to pull her and make her walk the same path as me, thinking it must work for her, since it worked for me. I've since learnt that everyone has their own path to walk and has to make their own mistakes.

It's her fierce loyalty to her friends that won my admiration. She can be in deep shit herself but will ask "what happen?" There is really not much she can do but the fact that she cared enough to notice and ask me about it touches me.

Edited: Took out the vulgar statements, 'cos the point of this entry was to tell the whole world that I appreciate what she had done, even though she could have left it as that as the bulk of the $4.80 would have gone to me anyway...

9.3.07 11:59 PM

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When work is a hobby that puts food on the table...



It'll be my last day tmr. I'm gonna miss it, the patients and staff. The whole team of staff, they're the funniest people I've seen all my life. They make dirty jokes but work gets done. The nurse manager, she's the best I've seen. Which nurse manager would stand there and tell you about her 1 week in hospital? Be thankful if they don't grab you to ask you about your patients' cases!

That's my idea of nursing/working. To have fun yet get things done. My friend's dad put it in a beautiful way, "I'm not going to work, it's my hobby." When work is a hobby that puts food of the table, that's shiok!

I've never been so enthusiastic about work. Time flies when you're enjoying yourself and crawls when you're not at work.

Don't keep attaching negative thoughts to the mentally ill. They don't go around with their hands tied up in white jackets, hair messed up and all that sort. Don't keep thinking that they'd chop people up once they're released from hospital. And we're in no way superior to them, if anything, we sometimes need to learn from them.

8.3.07 5:49 PM

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lalala



I was going to post my rather radical religious views but decided not to after all. It's not an act cool kinda of thing, neither am I ashamed of those views. But age made me see that you can't just blab and blab without thinking. A blog is still meant for the public after all, so let's just keep it private for a while now.

I'm a lot happier these days. Somehow, I feel myself again. Not totally myself yet, but it's better than nothing. But everytime I'm happy, I'm worried for someone else. In a way it's good, I never run out of things to pray about.

Tmr is the start of a brand new day, a brand new week. It'll be my last week in my favourite place. I'd really miss the times spent there.

5.3.07 12:20 AM

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Don't judge yourself through someone else's eyes, learn to love yourself.

How true...

3.3.07 10:40 PM

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I'm artistic!



Do you know how many things I can fold using origami paper now? For the past week, I've been doing tons of colouring, drawing, card making and don't know what else. Maybe if my art teachers did things like these in their classes more often, I'd love art a little more and would have been a great artist by now.

Did you know that art was my worst subject at nursery? I sucked at it then, I still suck at it now. I was terrible at colouring and matching colours. I couldn't colour in the lines. :p

But somehow, the patients brought out the artist in me. When I looked at my masterpieces, I thought they were my best in years. I still can't draw properly but never mind, I'm an origami master now!

Mental illness is a very lonely illness. Couldn't agree more. They need lots of support from society and family. Ironically, they're being shunned by society, thrown out by their families. To be fair, there are also families that provide support for the ill member. Sometimes, a bit too much it becomes stifling. Sometimes, the wrong type of support is given. They're mentally ill, NOT USELESS beings. They over protect the ill member, denying them the opportunity to work or study. Yea, society may shun them but if you're going to hide them under your beds or in your closets and not let them out, how are they going to prove that they're still useful members of the society? You're just reinforcing the stereotype--that they're ill and should not work. Rehabilitate them and let them lead a proper life. It'll be a long process, but at least we don't stay in the same spot for decades and remain contented. A small step is still considered progress.

I remember hearing this in a sociology lecture, "we see more of those who're handicapped these days, does it mean that there are more accidents these days? It could be because society is opening up more, there are more facilities for the handicapped now, so they can go out shopping like any other person."

What's so frightening about mental illness really? The lack of knowledge? The misconceptions? Stop imagining that they chop people up and all. Normal, sane people murder people too.

3:34 PM

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