♥ Queen of all Grumpy Old Farts ♥

About the GrumpyQueen

A.K.A Gatekeeper

I love food, don't deprive me of it.

I'm not Princess, I'm Queen

I can be quite grumpy and when I am, I hide here, my dungeon for reflections, ramblings and ranting.

Whatever I write are opinions, and may not be the whole truth. Do not read it like the Gospel.

I hate as vehemently as I love
I already know I'm crazy, be my friend, it's safer

Different is not bad, just not the same as the rest

If you don't like me, it's probably mutual
But I'm nice, really :p

Blog started 21st June 2007, shifted from www.thegatekeeperstory.blogspot.com

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History

December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
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November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
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June 2009
July 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
May 2010
June 2010
September 2010
October 2010

Happy lil girl

Find something to laugh at everyday, don't bottle things up. Vent it all out, a problem shared is a problem halved.

Some wise words from my lecturer. I found myself applying it this morning and felt a lot happier. What's the point of screaming and yelling when someone makes a mistake. Try making it right, if you can't, just re-do it! If I yell at you, will grated coconut turn to coconut milk? You just bought the wrong type of coconut but it's still coconut right? How about squeezing it and making it up?

Ask and you will receive, seek and you shall find.

Thank you Han, for helping me with this sickening problem. Offering help even before I asked. Now all hell shall break loose! Muahahaha! I'm gonna bury you with my PMs!

I hope to apply that same attitude to driving. If I pray hard enough, maybe God will pity me and give me that damn license. I'm gonna bug him day in, day out. If he doesn't give it to me this time, I'll try until he does!

30.9.07 8:08 PM

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Upset

Happy birthday to my beloved grandma! I love you.

Upset with my dad, so very upset with him.

My goddaughter is now about 2-3 months old, fat like anything and cute. I like the way she looks at me, the way she smiles.

Driving lessons are a nightmare. Mum is optimistic, she said cannot pass, take again lor! Yea, we have too much money eh?

Holidays are coming soon, which means my TP is nearing...Got to concentrate and make sure I pass.

I was just telling my aunt about that rude 7 year old girl who rolled eyes at me. She told me about this teenage boy who looks about 13 years old. He put some coins into the vending machine to buy a drink. And like so many other machines, it 'ate' his money and refused to give him a drink. He kicked the machine repeatedly and shouted, "FUCK! GIVE ME BACK MY MONEY! FUCK YOU!"

Mad or not? He should have tickled the machine and not stop until it coughs the drink out right. Geez, what a mad population!

29.9.07 11:14 PM

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What are kids learning these days?!

The behaviour of kids these days is appalling!

Today, I saw a little girl, aged about 5-7 years old on the bus with her dad. I was on my way back from work and very tired so I was just stoning away. Then, when I accidentally glanced at this kiddo who was seated diagonally in front of me, she rolled her eyes and blinked at me!!!

NOT ONCE BUT SEVERAL TIMES, AS IF AFRAID I WON'T SEE IT!!!

It pissed me off but I ignored her. Continued stoning.

Then a few minutes later, I glanced in her direction again and she did the same irritating eye rolling thing again, making damn sure I see it, just in case I missed the first incident.

JUST WHAT DID I DO TO INCUR YOUR WRATH?!

I thought maybe she might have tried to smile at me and I didn't respond because I was stoning and she being young, don't know what stoning is. So I thought, "if I smile at her, will she reciprocate like how a normal kid would?"

Guess what?

She rolled those eyes even more and blinked even more obviously!!!

I have never seen a kid so rude in my life. This girl was born to be a bitch. She's pretty with good features, a pity she's so bitchy.

If I weren't in uniform, I would have gone up to her to give her a nice scolding. Do you know you can get locked up for being nasty for no rhyme or reason?! That's why killers are always given pysch evaluations right?

But if I scolded her in uniform, what if she develops a phobia for nurses? What if one day, her eyes drop out because they've been rolled too much or get dugged out because she rolled them at some chao ah lian? Then she needs to get treated at the hospital right? What if she won't seek treatment because she's nurse-phobic?

What if her dad thinks I'm crazy? He didn't see the whole eye rolling thing, if I just go up to them and scold his daughter, won't I look mad? What if he thinks I'm picking on his poor child and makes a huge hoo-ha. Who will lose more?

I've never seen a more ill-bred and rude child. Don't come and tell me it's not the parents' fault but the school. Stop blaming schools, you produced the child, not the school. The school exists only because you're producing children.

What happened to innocence? Are bitches born or bred? Nature or nurture? I suggest someone do some research on it, find the bitchy genes and eradicate them from the gene pool ASAP!

Parents have one of the hardest jobs in the world. Whatever you do, you may be criticised. Spare the rod and spoil the child, use it excessively and you may accidentally kill the child. If I see more of such kids, I may consider asking the government to conduct the bitchy genes research and force sterilisation on those with the bitchy genes so that the world may continue to have sweet, lovely and innocent children.

A pretty face or an intelligent mind is not half as important as a good heart.

27.9.07 10:57 PM

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On falling in love...

When you think of your past love, you may view it as a failure. But when you find a new love, you view the past as a teacher. In the game of love, it doesn't really matter who won or who lost.

What is important is you know when to hold on and when to let go! You know you really love someone when you want him or her to be happy, even if you're not part of his or her happiness.

Everything happens for the best. If the person you love doesn't love you back, don't be afraid to love someone else again, for you'll never know unless you give it a try. You'll never truly love a person you love unless you RISK FOR LOVE.

Love strives in hurting. If you don't get hurt, you don't learn how to love. Love doesn't hurt all the time, though the hurting is still there to test you and to help you grow. Don't find love, let love find you. That's why it's called falling in love because you don't force yourself to fall. You just fall.

You cannot finish a book without closing its chapters. If you want to go on, then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages. Love is not destroyed by a single failure nor won by a single caress. It is a lifetime venture in which we are always learning, relearning, discovering, rediscovering, and growing.

The greatest irony of love is LETTING GO WHEN YOU WANT TO HOLD ON and HOLDING ON WHEN YOU NEED TO LET GO. We lose someone we love only when we are destined to find someone else who can love us even more than we can love ourselves. On falling out of love, take some time to heal and then get back on the horse. But don't ever make the same mistake of riding the same one that threw you the first time.

To love is to risk rejections; to hope is to risk failure; to reach for another is to risk involvement; to expose your feelings is to expose your true self; to love is to risk not to be loved in return. But isn’t it living is to risk of dying?

Risk must be taken because THE GREATEST HAZARD IN LIFE IS RISKING NOTHING!

26.9.07 8:54 PM

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Strangers are friends we've not met

Had an exciting day. The only reason why I'm blogging is because my driving lesson got cancelled today. I feel like enjoying driving lessons forever and not go for the test.

If I pass, my instructor will be hailed as a genius, to be worshipped for generations to come. I'm serious, if I can pass at first attempt, anyone can. I'll take a pic of him posing in front of the car I've been driving for some 6 months and post it on here. And all those who feel they're hopeless at driving should get his contact and learn from him.

Adryan reminded me it is mooncake festival today. I used to light lanterns and walk around the neighbourhood with the battery operated ones with irritating music. I thought it was cool, we envied the owner of the nicest lantern but defended ours fiercely. This went on for a few good years, until one year, we left a mooncake in the fridge for one full year. That's how important mooncake festival is to us these days.

Grumpyqueen has no mood to blog today. Whatever I say after this will just look stupid, I should shut up.

25.9.07 5:24 PM

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My regal obsession

WS said I'm just too obsessed with this queen thing. Indeed I am, I'm making no effort to deny the fact that I am. I like all things regal but I don't want to be princess, I want to be queen. The only way to escape the pain is to build castles in the air. I've built mine and why should I not live in the castle I've built?

I don't need a king to make me happy, because as I've said before, a princess needs a prince, a queen doesn't depend on a king but speaks to him as an equal. Perhaps someday, I'd finally need a king to speak to me as an equal, but as of now, I need a court jester. Hell, make it a court jester with kingly qualities. :)

23.9.07 8:49 PM

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Someone save me from all the stupidity!

I feel like blasting at some people. It seems to me that God's playing a cruel joke on me by planting all the mad and stupid people around me.

I just ran away from one mad cleaner in the hospital. I've never met someone as mad as her. She seems to have something against us students. Blink eye at us, tell her nicely NOT to give the patient food, she ignored me! IGNORE ME! If the patient chokes to death, she'll get no peace. Her only defence is that she's not quite right in the head, I don't mean her attitude, just one look at her and you'll know she's got a problem up there.

I usually believe that people with mental conditions should be rehabilitated and returned to society. I think she's not well enough to be returned to society. And I bloody know what I'm talking about ok? PEOPLE WITH MENTAL CONDITIONS DO NOT WALK AROUND LOOKING MAD AND HOLDING PARANGS! At least not if we do a good job in rehabilitating them.

I think by putting someone who cannot function fully because of her condition out there, we're reinforcing the fact that mental patients cannot work. It is a step forward, 2 steps back kinda of thing.

At least they took the first step, at least we know we're not dreaming about the impossible. Everything has teething problems, let's hope for the best. At least I've met someone who is willing to work and not use her mental condition as an excuse to shake legs at home. I've met so many who're quite well and just hiding in shelters because they're supposed to be ill and unfit for work. Just give the excuse that they're unwell and no one will employ them. If you're willing to work, someone would hire you. Many others who use their disability, education level, mental condition, age and what not to escape work.

Why should we help people who won't help themselves? Should we jump in to bring a man out of the water if he doesn't look like he's struggling?

Speaking of that, there seems to be more and more irritating old people around. My friends know I'm a great fan of the elderly. But why are there so many who're using their age to get their way? A young couple couldn't decide where to go for a while and so blocked this old fella's way for a few seconds, and he 'tsked' at them. What was he trying to prove? That he should get the right of way because he's old or he's faster than us youngsters?

22.9.07 9:11 PM

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One down, 2 more to go

2 more attachments before my break! Yes, I can do it, I can do it! I will survive this!

Yup, ended my attachment with a patient passing on 30 mins before I go off duty. I'm not happy, but not sad either. Like I said, sometimes the best thing you can wish for someone is death.

Why do some people seem so insignificant? He came in, dirty and smelly from a nursing home. When he died, there was no family, no fuss. No one could guess that it would be him the Angel of death was here for. There was not much interaction with him because he had to be isolated. He looked so peaceful, so natural after we cleaned him up.

I was not there when he was admitted, but when we brought out the clothes he had with him on admission, the stench is something I cannot forget. I seriously think the nursing home he was in is in need of staff, A LOT MORE STAFF! I think no one is capable of producing that stench unless you don't bathe for some 3 months. It smelt worse than an athlete's foot.

I'm not saying it's his fault, or the nursing home's fault. It's just the way things are. Fact is they're seriously short handed at these places so just shut up and make your parents your responsibility. Don't take the easy way out.

If you think I'm talking nonsense, just close the damn window, I hope you rot away someday. If you can afford a maid, get one and train her how to care for the elderly. Treat her nicely 'cos she's doing you a damn big favour. Don't think you're paying her big bucks. They're maids, not slaves. If you don't know how tough it is, try living her life for one full day.

I've learnt that children should do their best for their parents. Don't dump them in nursing homes because you cannot guarantee the quality of care your parents are receiving. Do you think it's easy to run a home? How do you think they cope with all the bathing and feedings? I'm not here to put nursing homes down but with a greying population, how many people are needed to care for them? If they cannot get the required number of staff, what happens? Go figure.

That said, I hope my parents end up well cared for someday. Want to make sure they will get the best possible care from me someday.

21.9.07 11:54 PM

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Die imbecile, die!

Post was edited 22nd Sept 10:09 p.m. because the previous one could not describe my wrath accurately.
I'm seriously very pissed with this sick child. Who in their right mind will message a total stranger in the middle of the night asking for some fun?! Wanna have fun, go geylang, you imbecile!

This is not the first time. I've been receiving his stupid "can i call you?" messages at odd hours of the night. Call me for what? I don't know you, I've never seen you, never had a decent conversation with you, why must I talk to you? What should we talk about? I've been ignoring it, if hp can block messages, he's the first on my block list.

With an email, I tracked down this stupid fella's friendster account and found that he's not only sick but has a gf. I HATE it when guys flirt around while in a relationship because it just shows how much he values the girl. If flirting harmlessly with the salesgirl is toeing the line, then sending such a message to a stranger in the middle of the night is just crossing it.

His gf is quite sweet looking, and he is just plain ugly. I don't really like judging people on looks unless they have a sucky character. For him, he's ugly from inside out.

I realised he messages F too, and prob a lot of other people we don't know about. That shows how exciting his life must be eh? So free right? Can just sit and message people day in. day out while having a full time gf.

You know what's the best part is? He has VERY short arms and it makes him look comical. I didn't notice it until WS pointed it out to me, all along I thought I was semi-blind because seriously makes him look not quite proportional.

Don't believe WS? Look at the pic below...

And yes, he offended the GrumpyQueen, stirring her from her slumber. So he must be jailed with 10 ninjas as guards. Would only be released when I'm happy, which is probably never because when I'm happy, got a lot of other things to do and by the time I'm done with them, I'd be too tired or unhappy to do anything else. :p

If you think I'm lame, this is nothing compared to his next pic....
See? He tried fighting the ninjas with his lame gongfu moves. Please...

My ninjas won which explains his dejected look. Again, this pic just shows how short his arms are.

And who the hell would put a passport picture as their friendster's main pic?! Do you know how it scared me? I mean, it looks like an obituary pic and not like it's very nice...It simply amplifies all his faults I tell ya.

If you're a potential two timer, make sure you're good looking so you can justify that you're trying to spread your handsome as well as two timing genes around. Then, I can give you 2 kicks instead of 3. If you're ugly with a pretty gf, you deserve 3 kicks. One on behalf of the gf, one for the other girl (if she's an innocent party) and the last for not knowing your place.
I've been meaning to blog about this but felt mean. I usually don't do mean things if no one steps on my toes. WS said to find out if he's disabled because it's mean to make fun of the diabled. :p
Don't call him disabled, it's an insult to them.
For me, it's not a crime to be ugly. Anyway, beauty is very subjective. He's ugly to me for displaying ugly traits, not for being physically ugly.
I hope those reading are still with me. It proves you have a strong heart and do not die of fright that easily.
My crapping partner likes telling me this, "hell knows no fury like a woman's scorn." How I agree with this. Hell knows no fury like this woman's scorn.
I feel so much better blabbering it all out. Thanks for reading. :)

20.9.07 11:16 PM

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Promises

I promised not to allow another sad entry on this blog. I promised to let myself see the funny side of things. I promised to be as truthful as possible on here because this is about my life, my daily musings.

"Making love out of nothing at all" is just too depressing. But I like it. Depressing but there is a certain bounce to it. I love the lyrics, 'cos I feel trapped now.

You know what? My dear lecturer said if we failed ONE week of attachment, we'll have to do TWELVE weeks more attachments. New rule, don't know how true. TWELVE WEEKS LEH!

I think some student docs are quite dumb. One asked for KY jelly repeatedly like a retard, even though we checked the drawers at least 3 times and told her each time that there is none there.

She just kept repeating herself frantically, "where's the KY jelly? Where's the KY jelly?" Some other staff prob pitied her or just wanted her to shut up so they kept directing her to the drawer that we checked at least 3 times thoroughly. She just kept opening the drawer each time someone told her it's supposed to be there, even after seeing that 2 of us checked it at least 3 times already.

And don't turn around to tell me she thought someone took it and must have put it back after using it so she's rechecking. There is no need to recheck because she was standing there all the time she was asking repeatedly for her KY jelly. Unless the person returning it was invisible or she's quite blind she cannot even see someone return something right under her nose.

Felt like knocking her head, why can't she figure that most of the time it's there but due to some accident, it's not there anymore? I mean just tell those who're directing you to the drawer that there is none there, is there anywhere else you can look right? Instead of just looking mad, opening and closing the drawers repeatedly. Retarded.

In the end, I don't know what happened to her. If she's not smart enough to ask OTHER people to check if there's KY jelly at their side, she should be scolded for stupidity.

19.9.07 10:40 PM

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Why can't I call myself Queen?

Why?! I'm not killing harming anyone to live out my Queen fantasy. I'm not wasting tax payer's money so what's the problem? If you don't like, go kill all those imaginary princess, kings and princes la! Esp ugly ones. Kill them all and then tell me, "see? No more royals le, you should be a commoner too." But I'd laugh in your face and say, "exactly, that is why I'm special, you can't have Orchard Road filled with these crazy people!" So you'll never win, that's just the way I am. Ask nicely and I'd consider, command and I'll make your life hell.

WS said my pics were interesting but jokingly added that "she really think she's queen, take such pics" Why can't I? MAKEOVER!!! If I'm gonna make myself take the same old pics, I might as well do it myself...

I'm finally done with my boring 2 day attachment. End of those nice 8-4 shifts and solid 1 hour breaks.

I miss Darling a lot. Back in school, we'd be eating like pigs and talking non-stop all day. I've a quota of 5000 words a day and now I suppose I've to reduce it to 3000 unless I wanna talk to myself.

Anyway, saw her at Parkway and talked for a long time, it's not enough but she needs to break her fast and I need to be home for dinner.

I was just telling her how sorry I felt for those non-Christians when the staff prayed. I don't like seeing people of a different religion caught by surprise. It's a different thing if you invite them and state that it's ok if they do not join if they're not comfortable. It's better than just praying happily, treating them like glass. She feels the same, even if the people belonged to her religion. She reminded me of a trip when something special happened. Before the plane takes off or lands, they say a prayer over the PA system or whatever you call that.

When they started praying, I thought the pilot was greeting the passengers.

"At least do it in English right? I mean, why greet people in a language they don't even understand?"

Then I spotted the words on the screen and realised it was a prayer. To be honest, I've not seen such things and it made me feel like the pilot didn't know what he's doing, which is why they're praying for him. What to do? Already on the plane, let them be la. Do what you like, but make sure it lands safely and I go home alive and well. What darling said was a classic that made me laugh non-stop.

"Hey how can they do that? I mean the plane belongs to them but they can't just pray because there are still people of other religions taking the plane!"

Mind you, she was talking about people from her religion. People like us are too open minded and frank for our own good.

18.9.07 9:43 PM

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Do the right thing, not just do things right

Every single attachment I must do something about my religion. My last attachment, I read the bible with my patient and prayed the rosary with another. This attachment, I pray that I don't see too many deaths, it's depressing me.

"God please don't make too many people die today, especially not in front of me."

But sometimes, death is inevitable for some and I'd pray that they get a quick and comfortable death.

Now I'm attached to a Christian organisation. They start their day with a prayer and sharing with Christian music in the background the whole day. I think it's nice, refreshing for a change but I'm concerned for those who're non-Christians, they must feel quite uncomfortable.

I was so happy to find 3 staffs who're Catholics, working in a Christian organisation. How remarkable is that? The best part is that I don't feel the usual tension between Catholics and Christians. Yea, that's how it should be, respect each others differences and celebrate it, not fight to see who's the best.

Really, what's the point if we manage to win? You think you go to heaven faster or you don't die? Rubbish.

I admire their enthusiasm at spreading their religion about. What about respecting other people's beliefs and religion? If everyone's a child of God, and God loves everyone of us, will pagans who've lived a good life go to hell? Will a terrible Christian go to heaven? If a good pagan can go to heaven, why must we force him/her to convert? If you say they can't, who are you to say they can't?

I never gave it much thought. I despised myself for knowing too little, for not being able to quote the bible well. Until I met a lapsed Catholic who told us to give way to the Prostestants who were arguing vehemently with us. It's not because we know we'll lose, but because we're following Christ's teaching. Love our fellow brothers and sisters, even if we do not agree. I was disgusted when I saw how some people have little respect for our church. How she just did as she pleased in OUR church. Goodness, just remembering the incident makes me fume.

What's more important to me is doing the right things and not just reading the bible and quoting the bible the whole time. You may know the bible well, but how well do you know the preacher?

17.9.07 4:42 PM

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My 200th post

My 200th post! You know what? It's been years since I last wrote a compo, I think I would have become illiterate by now if I haven't been blogging.

I used to really like writing back in school. But somehow, I felt stifiled because there was so much to pay attention to. Well, you cannot expect me to write in Singlish for my O levels right? Just imagine the Cambridge fellas struggling to read my essay, imagine them crying out because it's just too painful to read another word of my mutated English essay.

Here's something I never understood. We always presume good lookers are the biggest flirts right? The chances of them two timing is greater because they're more attractive right? Contrary to popular belief, I've seen more and more beautiful people being two timed and more and more ugly people two timing. What is the world coming to?!

I surmise that we think ugly people are two timed more than they two time their partners. Simple reason, 'cos we think no one goes after ugly people. So if you don't want to be cheated on, go after someone ugly because the good lookers get too much attention. Haha, problem is, if you can think of it, so can other people.

So the good lookers are dropped like a hot potato and the ugly ones are the next big thing. Oh yea, and what happens to all these ugly people?

Ugly person: "My prayers are answered, so many people going after me, ugly is the new beautiful! Yay!

Months later...

Ugly person: "Wah lao! Cannot la, too many suitors for me to cope le, what to do right? Not many ugly people around thanks to plastic surgery and what not. Ahh! Let me explore the realm of two timing, what happens if one day ugliness is out of fashion? Then I'd be thrown back into obscurity right?

SEE?!

Okay am not saying ALL two timers are ugly because there are good looking two timers. Two timing is wrong, whether you're ugly or good looking. This post is not to justify two timing but to rant.

So please, stop associating two timing with good lookers and pity the ugly ones. Ugly people two time because they were not given enough attention so when they get the attention, all hell break loose. Good lookers two time because they have more opportunities to get attention from the opposite sex. But sooner or later, they're gonna get sick of the attention anyway. Those who're a little more narcissistic may turn into hardcore two timers.

In the end, it's still the individual's choice, not whether you're ugly like shit or drop dead gorgeous. But that's not really my point, my point is two timing is wrong, wrong and wrong. No excuse.

I'm Taurus and proud of it, we don't even think of it...

16.9.07 9:37 PM

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This is a post about lorz and lolz

I forgot to write about Youth music ministry(YMM) yesterday. Cherryl and Emma were making fun of those sickening cam-whore poses. You know, those one to ten poses you take with your tongue sticking out?

"Oh, how you make five?" said one.

"There, like that like that!" said the other
~she demonstrates how to do it~

Speaking of that, there are people who make their blogs a pain to read. I mean, mine's a pain in the arse if you hate words. But what is it with "am so happy went out with dearie today lorz..." or using "lolzz"instead of "lol" ? Then you see a whole lot more of such language throughout the whole post, with sickening cam-whoring shots.

I read a lot of blogs, of those I like, those I don't like and sometimes those I don't know. I just randomly click links on my friends' blogs to read when I'm bored. I'm not against cam-whoring, I'm against sickening poses. I'm against seeing ugly people in ugly poses, it's disgusting. Pose in a way which will enhance your beauty, not your ugliness, stupid.

I'm not against using chatroom language on blogs, but it's terrible to mutate them further and passing it off as English. It's like writing in french, declaring that it's in English and getting an Englishman to read it. It was a terrible nightmare, I needed to read it at least 3 times slowly before I got what she was trying to say. Imagine my frustrations, can you feel my anxiety levels rising? I was so distressed by it, I felt like crying. Perhaps, now I know how illiterates must feel when you hand them the morning papers. I felt like grabbing her by her fat fingers and then flinging her against the wall. I feel that seeing her blood gush out from her head would appease me.

Oh my gosh, euu must think I'm so mean lorz, better dun write anymore le, better go and die!

lolz

15.9.07 3:48 PM

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Sometimes the best thing you can wish for is death

I don't want to sound cruel, or inhumane. But sometimes, death seems to be the best way out for some really ill people. Death will release them from their anguish, death means that we're handing them over to God, who'll take better care of them. Perhaps, when you've seen someone suffering, struggling to breathe, you'll wish the same for them.

These 2 weeks have been a traumatic time for me. I've seen more deaths during this period than the whole of my 19 years times two. All of them look the same on admission day and on discharge day. So really, what have we done for them? How have we changed their lives?

I sometimes don't understand myself. While I enjoy predictability like checklists and studying from books, I like using my intuition too. I like the unpredictability of psych nursing. I love the fact that there are no hard and fast rules, you depend on your intuition and empathy for them. Empathise, not sympathise. If you cannot empathise, try to understand. If cannot understand, go and die. Kidding.

I sometimes feel the world is a wonderful place. That somehow, we're connected by unseen bonds. The love parents have for their children, the passionate love of lovers and even the bond we can form with a dying stranger. We can hold the hands of a dying stranger and feel his/her pain, feel the family's pain, even though we barely know each other. That somehow, if you dig deep enough, you can feel another's pain, you can feel how much energy a depressed soul needs to live. If you allow yourself to feel, you can also feel that beneath the depression, lies a will to live. If you can, always reach out and try to pull him out of that dark pit. But no one can help him if he doesn't call out for help.

On a brighter note, Tommy (my beloved driving instructor) was very happy with me today. I didn't make any major, life threatening mistakes today. The miracle was, I was feeling a lil sleepy, drank coffee before my lesson and became sleepier. I think they drugged my coffee with sleeping pills.

Reason for my sleepiness? My damn exam results. My beloved school sends us an SMS containing our results at the ungodly hour of 4 a.m every semester. I'd jump when my phone beeps, jump even more when I see the results, then toss and turn until I fall off to sleep. This semester, I woke up at 4 a.m, expecting to see a message but no message. I gripped my phone like an anxious lover, imagining the worst scenarios. The most possible ones were, I screwed my papers and they were trying to salvage what they could, hence they need a longer time to compute my grades. Next, incomplete module evaluation. They think that lazy people who defy orders to complete module evaluations deserve to be kept in suspense.

Very reluctantly, I pulled myself out of bed, crawled to the comp and forced myself to complete the stupid evaluation. Then, like a kid looking for her present from Santa, I tried assessing my results online. Turns out I went to the wrong page, which is why I couldn't see it. I felt dumb when my school mates told me that I should have gone to the other page. Why do they even put 2 results page if one is not updated at the same time as the other?

So yea, I only got my results at 9 plus in the morning, dizzy with happiness because were better than expected, more than I wished for. I finally cleared all my academic modules and can concentrate on passing my attachments. The last reason? ~sighs~ kinda of hard to explain, probably only God and me would know.

My bed's calling out to me. I haven't been spending much time on it the whole of this week, hopefully, we can make up for it this weekend.

14.9.07 11:31 PM

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Shift work's taking its toll on me

Seriously need help! Somebody! I think my life consists just of afternoon and morning shifts. It's just work, work and more work. The only interesting thing I can bring up in a conversation is about my patients and their lives. When you've got nothing to talk about except other people, you know how very interesting your own life is.

I think old people are the best patients. I used to think that kids were adorable, I still do, though to a lesser extent now. Let's just say, I can't really see the fuss behind those fat cheeks and teary eyes. I found more joy with wrinkles and grey hair.

Today, I met one who was trying to cut open the bean bags to cook the beans inside. She wanted to make kueh, make red/green bean soup and what-not.

"Keep it inside also no use, wait later become bad, very sayang."

Once a cook, always a cook, dementia or not.

Honestly, I don't know how to react. I didn't know if laughing or crying was a better response. There is this certain child-likeness about her, yet you need to respect her as your elder, like you'll respect your grandparents. Maybe if you've seen someone with dementia, you'll know.

Look beyond changing diapers and feeding them. Their lives--an almost completed circle. Years of toil represented by lines on their faces. After years of worry, now their hair's all grey and white.

When children get into trouble with the school teachers, why don't their parents abandon them? How many parents leave their kids in the childcare center and not pick them up? How many children leave their parents in the hospitals and not take them back? When they shit, why don't parents dump them in the chute? Why are babies cute and old, helpless people irritating when they basically depend on you for the same things?

Without the elderly, we won't even be here, standing firmly on the ground. Without the children, we won't NEED to be here. One group is responsible for our existance, the other justifies our existance.

13.9.07 5:08 PM

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Rants: Don't expect a polite post

I sometimes fantasise about pulling out the eyeballs of someone who speaks with a sickening accent. Do you think I can't tell it's not even your natural accent? I can't stand the superiority complex when someone speaks with a phoney accent. Speaking with an accent doesn't mean you speak well, just means you're imitating someone. Even a Bangala speaks English with an accent. Ok fine, exception being those who grew up overseas, I mean they learnt to talk in that accent so it's natural for them. What about those who did a short course overseas and come back with an accent? Disgusting.

Waiters should not worship the ground they walk on but pour cold water on them and say "sorry ah, this ah beng here cannot understand you..."

The char kway teow uncle should go, "stupid potato, go laffles town club eat char kway teow la! Don't know how to orler food in man-da-rin go and die!"

In my opinion, tale bearers should have their tongues severed and used to decorate overhead bridges. I bet you, the government will need to build more overhead bridges to make space for those tongues. That will just waste tax payers money and I won't even be surprised if some of these tale bearers are actually tax payers. The tax payers who're not tale bearers will hunt these tongueless people down and give them no peace. Double and maybe even triple punishment. Good for them.

Gossip mongers who pluck bean sprouts and what other veggie in hawker centers/coffee shops, taking up precious table space for a good hour or so should be punished. They should pluck vegetables for the whole neighbourhood. With the exception of very old people, maybe they're just scared to take the lift alone and need to wait for someone to escort them home.

People who THINK they look nice smiling without their teeth should have their front teeth pulled out. Not many look nice smiling without teeth. Stop giving me that sickening innocent face.

People who like putting the camera above them, creating the illusion of bigger eyes and more cleavage should go and die. I think they're just trying to tell me that they're shorter than the average person so that's how they look to the average person in real life.

P3opLe wHo tyP3 l1k3 th1s are an expensive waste of time and space. They expect us to read their mutated version of the English language. People with normal intelligence usually can't decipher their "brilliant" codes.

Ok, enough said. If I took over the world, there'd be no such word as stupidity. Gears for manual vehicles would be so much easier to operate. Getting your license would be as easy as ABC. You don't have to worry about twit and pea-brained drivers because I would have killed the stupid people before I implement my easy as ABC driving test. Difficult stuff were only put in to weed out stupid people and ban them from doing anything smart. If everyone's smart, there'd be no need for difficult stuff.

It is said that Hitler wanted to rid the world of those who're not tall, blonde with blue eyes. The greatest irony is that he himself was not tall, blond with blue eyes. Would I kill myself in a desperate attempt to make this world a better place to live in? Takes a bigger dumbass to identify another. Am I so perturbed by stupidity because it's something I find hard to overcome?

9.9.07 1:01 AM

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If you get there before I do

Accusations make you realise that you can't please everybody and can't make everybody like you. Death makes us realise that we should live and let live and not take things so seriously. Misunderstandings will teach us the importance of non-verbal communication and the lethality of tale bearers.
I never get office politics. How will hypocrisy help you in work life? If you don't like someone, shouldn't we just iron things out there and then instead of carrying tales. We can't like everybody, why must we pretend we do? I'm not saying that we should turn our workplaces into war zones with shouting matches but can we not dislike someone openly while remaining civil? Be civil, not hypocrite. Bombard rather than sabotage. Staying out of politics is harder than waiting for gold to drop from the sky.

7.9.07 11:28 PM

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Attachments and depression

They usually go hand in hand for me, except for when I went to IMH. Maybe they have better fengshui there, maybe they drugged my food with Prozac, I don't know.

At this very moment, I wish it'll end NOW, I wish but I've got TWELVE more days. TWELVE FRIGGIN DAYS!

This attachment requires brute strength, you need enough energy to live for another person but you only eat for one. Hows that? Am really gonna lose weight.

I like the people I meet. The sense of satisfaction you get when you see someone walk out healthy is priceless. Even the tiny things I do like cleaning butts I know would go a long way and is appreciated. Yes, even meeting irritating families who do not take responsibility is nice. When you do something good for their parents, I believe it's good for your karma. And I don't blame them entirely. While it's our job and we can afford to leave the illness when we knock off, these families live with it 24/7. Even if they're not caring for them physically, they're responsible for the parent 24/7.

But I hate it when people take advantage of you by making you do the worst jobs. When they push the blame to you. Where can you get cheap labour, who can function at maybe 70% of a trained staff, who can 背黑锅 for you? Pay them a few hundred dollars a month in the name of training and make them work like shit. Treat your students better, someday they're gonna be staff. Students with bad memories of their training become bad, unmotivated staff who'll influence the future generations, forming a vicious cycle.

5.9.07 4:00 PM

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Death: A great teacher

Don't take life too seriously, no one comes out of it alive anyway. Laugh at yourself more often. Treasure the ones around you, you won't know when you won't see them again. Live each day as if it's your last, one day you will be right.

Death. What a great teacher you are.

We hear of all these day in, day out but I suppose it'll only sink in when someone dies in front of our face, to put it crudely. When you hold the deceased and realise his/her body is still quite warm. When you realise that there is no more heartbeat, no more breathing. When you have to admit that there is no more heartbeat and see the look of disappointment on the family's faces. I know how they feel. Perhaps, all they want to hear is, "the heart is beating, but very slowly." I mean, they know it's a matter of time but there is no correct time for death. There will always be things you want to tell her, things you wish you had done, things you wished you hadn't done.

I don't want to live too long. I want to die without much fuss, die beautifully. Celebrate my life, not mourn my death. In other words, do not prolong my natural life, leaving me in a pathetic state, unable to care for myself, unable to move. It's something you won't even wish on your worst enemies.

4.9.07 6:03 PM

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The human body is actually worth $2

I am worth $2,035,010 on HumanForSale.com
How much are you worth?

$4,116Cadaver For Sale
CadaverForSale.com - How much is your body worth?

So should you sell me while I'm alive or forsake 2 million, kill me and sell me?

Answer from crapping partner: alive and kicking me= $2 035 010
Silence=priceless
kill me and sell. grrr!
you wait...

3.9.07 10:08 PM

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From the movie 881

One of my favourite songs from the movie. Last breath nearly made me cry. Do I see a trend for Hokkien songs soon? It's funny you know, considering how many young people can speak dialect these days.

2.9.07 12:00 AM

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A meaningful profile

Spotted from someone's profile, a very meaningful piece of writing.

The best thing about loving and being hurt is that you get to know what true love really is. For as gold is tested in fire, and so will love be perfected in pain. To the person once loved, no more lies no more words let it go before it dies hear the word feel the pain,the last of love end in vain.

How much longer are we going to keep deceiving ourselves? Why are we going to let go of true love because even though it feels right in the heart, it just doesn't seem logical. How much longer are we going to keep fearing what we cannot see or hear but only feel. How long is it going to take us to figure out that the most purest and the best feelings in life are only felt from the heart, never understood from the mind. It's like believing in God we can't see him or make logic out of his existence & yet we are still praying to him.

Sometimes it best to remain slient at least u still can keep your beautiful dream...

1.9.07 9:41 PM

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